A Decade Without You

On this day a decade ago I stood on a threshold in life that I was not ready to cross.  Life will at times put things in our path that seem impossible to understand or heal from; however, we move beyond and survive.  Things definitely look and feel different on the other side.

When I sit and really let the thought settle that he has been gone for a quarter of my life it seems impossible.  I still weep at the remembrance of walking into the hospital room 10 years ago to the realization that he was going to leave us.  It was by far the most difficult thing I had faced in my 29 years of life.  From time to time the pain and sadness return.  I don't try to fight it as I feel it is just as necessary as the happy feelings of rememberance.  I try to feel what comes and release it back into the energy of the world.  I imagine myself wrapped in your love and that of the universe to which we share.  

Although I have lots of difficult memories of that day, I also saw the amazing beauty in sharing our lives with others. My siblings and family were my rock that day.  I can't imagine having faced it without them and feel that my love for them has grown.  Another lasting impression was left by nurses that passed briefly during this powerful moment in my life.  The amazing gift that a good nurse provides in these moments is something that can't be measured.  I have a very vivid memory of one of the nurses from the final day of my dad's life.  He was truly an angel.  The energy of those around us is powerful.


One of the bittersweet memories of that day was the final moments of my father's life.  I guess if you have to pick a good way to die we did our best to achieve it.  As we knew the end was coming we all gathered around the bed, the room was full of love, and we all sang.  I believe some nurses and possibly the hospital chaplain was even included in this occasion.  Each time I hear Amazing Grace and Kumbaya My Lord I am filled with some really strong emotions, as those were the last sounds my father heard.  The amazing power that we created in that moment was awe inspiring.  It was filled with love and energy.  We were fortunate to be able to be all together at that moment.

Life is an amazing journey and one that I would not desire to change.  Although it seemed unfair to lose my father, I realize everything happens as it should.  Embracing the pain is just as important as celebrating the joy.  It is all part of this crazy ride.

Dad- The feelings rush in strong at times and overwhelm my soul.  I ache for one more moment to tell you all the things I have wanted to say and to share all the life moments that you have missed.  Your spirit lives on within those that you loved so deeply.  I see you in myself, my siblings and our children. Although these moments seem to be filled with sadness, I am often overwhelmed with love and joy with a memory of you. I am blessed to be your daughter, and I will forever hold you near.