I am in a FUNK

I can't really place the origination of this funky mood, but it has been around off and on for a while.  I think it might have started around my blood clot diagnosis back in February.  Maybe the decisions I face there are still weighing in the back of my mind.

One of the reasons the blood clot was such a blow was that my exercise routines were in the perfect sweet spot and my mental state was amazing.  I was handling stress with a new attitude and was in pretty good spirits most of the time.  In the last two months my mood has definitely shifted and with it my stress level and anxiety has risen.  I have felt more insecurity creep in and been much harder on myself.  It seems that when things like this happen it is a snowball effect, and it gets bigger and bigger.  Therefore, before it increases anymore I am going to take action to stop this progression and shift things.

This morning I decided to spend some me time doing yoga and meditation.  I turned back to my coloring book for some time of inner peace and silence.  It might seem silly to some people, but I can be trapped by the thoughts in my head and led down paths of belief that don't even exist.  I can create stories about the way others feel or the path events will move forward on that are not reality.  These thoughts can unravel me and leave me in a state of angst.  Coloring, yoga and meditation are times where my mind clears and focus is turned inward.  It is a time of healing, rejuvenation and renewed energy.  I had unfortunately practiced less and less in the last two months.

It is fascinating that at times when I really need the stress relieving effect of exercise or the inward focus of meditation I pull away from them.  However, I don't wander far from them, as my mind eventually returns to them.  I realize their importance in my life, and the amazing benefits received by their practice.

My focus returns to the things which calm my mind, level my mood and help bring peace to my life.  I realize this won't take away the stress, the to do list, the medical decisions, etc...  However, it will help to ensure I am facing each day from a more centered place.

I never expect immediate changes or to reach that place where I can say, "This is it. Now I am perfect."  Truth is, I feel like an ever changing work in progress.  Maybe a really large painting that has many layers.  Some with exquisite beauty and others that if viewed on their own appear awful. But when you stand back and view it all together it is an amazing work of art.


Our lives are an amazing process.  I think the trick to getting past these not so awesome times is to accept them, surround yourself with people that love you through them and keep an awareness of them creeping in and not allowing them too much space.  The strongest people I know haven't lived without adversity, but instead have faced and conquered it.

Sharing the times when things suck help others realize they aren't alone, and that it is normal to not feel OK sometimes.  I love to be real about life, and I find great connection with others that lay it out there with me.  It is refreshing and healing to realize that none of us have it all figured out; however, together we can provide support, encouragement, guidance and healing.  I have recently become more in touch with the healing power of offering support to others and taking the support given by them.  It is an amazing gift that I hope everyone has the opportunity to experience.

Adulting Sucks: Lets Reward Ourselves for Making it Through Another Day

This post is a little more lighthearted than I normally get in this blog, but the topic was too hard to pass up.  A good friend sent me adult reward stickers and the ideas just started to roll into my head.

See... We reward our children when they complete chores, do their homework, get along with their siblings or listen to us.  Why don't we deserve the same?  

Being an adult is hard work and every one of us deserves a pat on the back at the end of the day for just making it through.  Why not a reward chart to help us put into perspective all the amazing accomplishments we have each day.  

So you might be wondering what in the world would these stickers say... Here are a few we came up with, but the list is endless..

What do we collect the reward stickers for?  Might be to build up to a prize, a daily treat or something special over time. Whatever the reason, it is a visual reminder of how much you kick ass each and every day.  

So all kidding aside being an adult is rough at times.  You might think people around you have it more together or are a better adult than you.  Truth is we are all figuring our way through this crazy thing called life.  Don't beat yourself up and instead realize all the temptations you resisted, the negative thoughts you overcame and the great accomplishments you had, even the small ones.  Give yourself a pat on the back because..... YOU ROCK!!!

Life: Embrace Your Journey and Allow Others Their Own

We each see the world through different eyes.  Our thoughts, experiences and circumstances shape how a situation, person or object looks or feels to us.  At times it is hard to grasp someones feelings, why they act a certain way or make specific choices. 

We often look in and want to provide advice, guidance or solutions. These attempts are usually made out of love, caring and a desire to fix what is viewed as not right; however, we must remember their journey is not ours to shape.

We must find our own answers, path and strength.  I am guilty of providing unsolicited advice and guidance instead of acceptance and support.  I am sure everyone at some point has done the same.  I want to make a more conscious effort to consider what the situation and person needs from me.  

Sometimes we just need people to accept us for who we are and provide loving support without judgement.  It certainly sounds like an easy enough thing to do; however, many of us have lost sight of it.  Too many times people want to convince others to believe their views while turning a deaf ear to the reasoning and needs of the person.  What makes our way of thinking so justified that we have the right to say it is the only true way?  How can we have all the right answers to someone else's situation?

We each have a journey we are traveling.  We aren't going to do it without some mistakes, miscalculations and changes of course. However, that is all part of our path and it is ours to pave. 

My journey is littered with laughter, tears, heartache and joy.  Each of these is part of the beauty to which my life is made.  It has some lows, some highs and everything in between.  As a dear friend once said; you sometimes need the bad times to really appreciate the good ones.  

I can promise my friends, family, children and myself that my life up till now and in the future isn't perfect.  I won't always look at things in the best possible way, my attitude will suck at times, I will have strong emotions of love, hate, sadness and maybe even react to things in a way you don't feel is appropriate.   I know you won't always understand, and I am OK with that.  I just want to be 100% perfectly imperfect me!

Sometimes Being an Adult Just Sucks!

Not too long ago I wrote about my awesome new perspective on the crap that life throws at me. Unfortunately, it appears there might be a limit to what I can take without self combustion.  I sort of felt it building as medical bills started to arrive, the car needed a new tire and the blood thinner side effects got a little more annoying.  However, I brushed each off as just another bump that is out of my control.  My thoughts were I can't change it, it could be worse, etc...

Today was the straw that broke the camels back, as the saying goes.  The mail brought two pieces that just sent me over the edge.  I screamed, cried and even broke a dish.  I tend to blame myself when these unforeseen, unwelcome expenses arrive.  As someone that is my own worst enemy, I somehow turn the situation around to be related to a failure of my attempt to properly do this being an adult thing.  I beat myself up thinking that I must not be strong enough or financially responsible. 

Of course I understand none of this is the healthy way to deal with these unforeseen circumstances, but I feel complete disclosure of my faults is a way to move beyond some of these behaviors.  I had a temper tantrum of sorts.  

What have I learned from this experience?  That even though it seems silly, counterproductive and childish sometimes we need to just let it out.  However, remember that the situation will eventually look different as time passes and it could always be so much worse.  The truth is, that at the end of the day we are amazingly blessed with what we have been given.  It is easy to sometimes lose sight of that and it is OK for that to happen.  No reason to beat yourself up for these moments but instead get it out and move beyond them.  

Tonight I cried like a baby, had a serious pity party and then talked it all out.  The fact is that life will throw you the unexpected and most of it is out of your full control.  If it feels like something you want to cry about, do it.  If you need to scream, find a way to let it out.  However, give the tantrum its place and move forward.  

I don't understand or have this whole thing figured out.  However, I am glad to have friends and family that listen, comfort and support me through these moments.  

So maybe the trick is not exactly in your perspective or how well you handle those things to which you have little control.  Instead it is about expressing the needed emotions and finding those around you that will support you during and after.  

The Future I Hope For

This started as a simple text to a friend about some of my recent thoughts; however it kept building into more and more thoughts.  And then it grew into a blog entry.These are just my ramblings about what I see in the world and my hope to raise two members of the next generation to live with different intentions.

I have been thinking a lot about life, what the role of society is and how things impact us. It has left me wondering how I want to raise my kids so they may live with true happiness and as a positive force in the universe.  It is a lot to think about.

I don't feel that true happiness comes from a job, wealth or material possessions.  I have been blessed to realize early in life that my true bliss comes from those I share my life with and the experiences that I have.

I have witnessed people striving for more, working their days away to obtain a promotion, boss' approval, etc.. They miss important events with their children and time together with their families. It seems to be an imbalance in what truly matters.  I have seen it play out in life that work will go on without you. Although it is important to work hard and do your best, it should not surpass those you love or life experiences with its importance.  In the end, it is just a job.  Do your best but allow it only the time it deserves.

I don't believe in conspiracy theories or crazy paranoia fueled by fear; however, I do think there is some truth in the fact that we have trapped ourselves with money, jobs, etc..  Too many people live to work and allow the perceived expectations of society or others dictate their actions.

I don't believe it is feasible to change the masses or even provide enlightenment to everyone I know. However, I do hope to raise my children to realize that a work/life balance is a must.  I want them to take the opportunity while they are young to wander, explore and embrace the world.  I feel strongly in giving them experiences and not material things.  My success as a parent will be measured not by the job they obtain or their starting salary.  It will be determined by the way they experience the world, treat others and live their lives.

I hope to raise them to love nature, embrace the energy of every living being, be kind, generous and caring to all that they meet and live life fully with great happiness.   The world is certainly not perfect, but it is better for good people to spread positive energy and hope then to hide in fear or despair.  I am hopeful that both of my kids will be a positive force in the world, even in the face of challenges and uncertainty.

Love Yourself

You aren't going to change overnight.  The 20 pounds you would like to lose isn't going to disappear just because you wish it away.  Nor will you change the shape of your eyes, the wrinkles that represent a life well lived or the extra skin your children so lovingly left after their births.




Every part of our imperfect bodies is beautiful and sacred.  Try to embrace, love and cherish the amazing body you possess.  It might not be what you envision as perfection, but it is perfectly you. Work each day to care for, nurture and treat your body well.  It is the only one you will be provided and the better you treat it the more efficiently it will work for you.

Try not to slip into negative self talk, compare your body to that of others or set unrealistic expectations for yourself.  Express gratitude for all the amazing things your body does each moment to provide you the ability to move, see/hear/taste things and experience life to the fullest.  Whether you are tall, short, a size 2 or 22 you are perfectly you.  Each of us is amazingly unique and beautiful.  Don't let anyone or even yourself tell you otherwise.  

A New Perspective

Life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs.  The ride can at times feel exhilarating and full of promise.  At other times it feels like it is one bump after another.  The fact is that life is going to be unpredictable.  The key to living the best life I can appears to be located in how I deal with these situations that life throws at me.

I am the first to admit that my coping skills have been lacking from time to time.  Instead of taking to heart the Serenity Prayer, I have stressed, fussed, moped and been generally unhappy when things weren't perfect.  Oftentimes I would be on edge and argue about surprise expenses, consider myself cursed when medical conditions arose and stress over unfinished work. I am working hard to change my focus and approach life with a new strategy.

The events of the last two weeks have meant new debt, a maxed out medical flexible spending account and the recurrence of a medical condition that I never expected to face again.  Typically, this would have sent me into a corner to cry. lick my wounds and attack anyone that came near.  However, my reaction to all of this has been very different.

I am not sure what to credit my new found attitude on, but it is welcome to stay forever.  With each of the six challenges that was placed in my path; I inspected it, determined what areas I could impact and moved forward with a plan.  It was from a logical and rational part of my mind that I moved through these events and not the typical overly emotional side.

I have certainly had my bad moments, but they have been short lived and not a place from which I made decisions or judged the overall situation.  I believe that being angry about a situation, sad about a struggle or upset over an outcome is perfectly normal.  We each need that time to get it out; however, it can't be the place where we remain.

It also helps to put everything in perspective.  Life is not going to be perfect all the time and we all have our struggles.  However, to be alive and well is truly an amazing blessing.  I hope to waste less of my time wishing things were different and more of it formulating a plan to live the best life I can.

It feels refreshing to look at challenges and struggles in a new way.  I look forward to finding new ways to approach life that will challenge me to think differently.