Life Can Certainly be Shitty at Times **Please Excuse my Language**

Life can definitely be depended upon to keep you on your toes.  Just when you get comfortable a curve ball is thrown, and you successfully dodge it or even better grow from the experience.  Then, all of a sudden, you find yourself with too many being thrown to avoid them.  But that one that hits the hardest is rough.  Today that happened to me.

Last week Kent and I started to talk about what we wanted from his part time job situation.  So we began to discuss how we would move forward on that front and had some great discussions.  He shared some things he would like to explore, and we started the first steps on that plan.  We talked about less time of night working and shifting things around a bit.  Well, his boss is not really on the same page which means some changes coming in that area.  That was manageable, as we knew where we were headed and what he wanted.

Then last night we were witness to an emergency at Owen's basketball game.  There was a baby sister of one of the players in the spectators and she stopped breathing during the game.  Someone performed CPR and the paramedics had to be called.  The baby was rushed to the hospital, and we don't know what happened from there.  The children were very shaken up, but we expressed how fortunate it was to have happen there where people could help save the baby and close to paramedics that could help.  Just a smack in the face to remember how truly precious life is and how fragile it is too.  This experience shakes even the strongest person.  

So today I was just not feeling right.  I thought it was just some of the stress we are dealing with from Kent's job and the events of last night.  However, at midday I realize that my mind might have already realized that a big change was about to hit us.  Then I got the call that our landlord decided to sale the house we live in, and we need to move by April 1st.  When asked if there is any flexibility on that day the answer was no.  This leaves us to find a new place rather quickly.  We love the kids school, we love the location where we live, but with only 2 months to find a place in the area we are hoping for a bit of a miracle.  

This news left me very sad at first because I realize how much the children love where we live.  This house is certainly not perfect, and I would never actually buy it.  However, it has been the perfect rental because of the location, size and lot.  After the sadness faded I became very angry at what seemed to be a total disregard to the fact that a family with children was being displaced by their decision.  Then I have bounced into and out of a place of hope.  There is a sense that this is happening because there is something else waiting for us out there.  It is something spectacular that we wold have never come across without this happening.  I am going to try to spend more time in that area of the emotions.  

Sure I can think how unfair it seems, dwell on the sadness of moving my children again or hold onto the anger I feel for those responsible for the decision.  However, there is a flip side to all this where I can focus on the opportunity, the new beginning or possibility of something amazing waiting for our family.  I am a true believer that life has a plan and happens for a reason.  Someday I will realize what this was all about.

We have had some pretty crazy years as a family.  However each trial has been balanced with something amazing.  The challenges have made us stronger and more connected.  I know for sure we will figure this out.  

May tomorrow bring new hope for every trial and a sense of peace.  Life may not always seem fair or take the path we most likely expected; however, each challenge hides an opportunity to rise above and create a new path.

Teaching Life Lessons

Sometimes being a parent is challenging, but I find that being a mother has made me grow, love and experience life on a new level.  Over the past 9+ years I have felt every emotion possible and to an extreme I never realized existed.  It is by far the most amazing experience I have had in my life.

One thing I love about my kids is their desire to learn, gather information and ask questions without holding back.  Their timing can be interesting.  At times this catches me off guard and the answers don't come so easily.  However, there are also the moments when it seems my answers were waiting for them to ask the question.  Saturday was one of those times.  

We were together in the car, and one of them asked about God.  They wanted to know why bad things happen if God exists.  Although bad things have happened in my life, I truly believe in God and that life has a path/purpose.  

I expressed to them that it is often hard to understand why bad things occur to us and those we love. We talked about some of the things that have happened in my life and the ways I have grown stronger because of them.  We discussed the power of prayer and they asked about the times that people pray and the bad thing still happens.  They asked about things in the world that are happening right now and why people fight wars.  We talked about fear, greed, worry and negativity in ourselves and others.  

It was truly a discussion between us, as their parents having lived a much longer life, and the two of them, who are still so fresh to this life experience.  They had some truly amazing things to say about life, and I felt pride for the sensitivity they express toward their lives and those of other people.  

I hope for some of my views about spreading positive energy, even in the face of challenges, to be something they embrace.  It is not always easy to seek the good in situations or understand why bad things happen.  However, I have seen the beauty of strength growing out of tragedy, good triumphing over evil and a soul rebuilding after a loss.  Sometimes it can appear there is no good, no light or no hope.  However, I have witnessed a fight when it seemed no energy remained.  

We have a choice each moment to focus on what is wrong with us, the world, each other OR all the amazing good.  I believe that choosing good, believing in hope and being a beacon of positive energy helps make the world a better place.  To give without any thought of receiving in return is something I cherish.  I feel strongly about making a positive difference in the lives I touch.  We aren't perfect, greed will exist, violence will occur; however, if you impact each persons life you touch in a positive way there is that much less negativity.  And... you never know who many more people will feel the positive impact you made in that persons life.  

I know we all have times where it is a challenge to feel positive, trust me I won't say I don't have them, but I truly hope my children will continue to realize and embrace the beauty in life.  I hope that they keep asking questions and never quench their thirst for information and knowledge.  I wish for them to live a life that makes them truly happy, and that they may positively impact the lives of those who are touched by their presence, whether for a moment or a lifetime.  

Looking Back

I know that it is not always healthy to look to the past, but sometimes I like to do it in order to remember how far I have come.  I find when looking at this picture, although not even my heaviest, I am filled with both pain and pride.

The pain comes from a place filled with years of not taking care of myself, trying one fad diet after another and not realizing how unhappy I was in my own skin.  However, there is also a lot of pride in the changes I made, the hard work I have given to this journey and the things I have accomplished.

As I return my focus to the path I laid out those years ago, I felt a quick look back would be good.

This is a picture of me after losing approximately 40 pounds in 2007.  I gained a bit of that back before starting this journey in 2008.   At my heaviest, non pregnant weight, I was 315.  Although it fluctuates, I am approximately 130 pounds less than that now.

How do I Get so Out of Control

My eating has been bad for weeks now, and I have had to rely on my workouts to keep from gaining weight.  Luckily, I have not put on 15-20 pounds, but there is another 5+ that I did not have two months ago.  I need to stop, refocus and get myself back on track.

How did I get here? Why do I lose focus and find myself so lost from the path that makes me feel strong, healthy and beautiful?  I put in hours of work to turn around and eat my way out of the progress I made.  I have control over what goes into my mouth and my relationship with food.  Now it is time again to make some much needed changes.  It is time to focus on me, my health and my body.

Changing the direction I am headed is possible.  Unfortunately, I have done it before, a few times.  It is not always easy, but I feel strong and determined.  I want to start the week renewed, refreshed and headed down a new, yet slightly familiar, path.

This weekend is a time to research and refocus on where I want to take this journey, how I will get there and the first steps.  I have some exciting ideas in mind, and I will share them as I move forward. I want to explore ways to strengthen my mind, body and spirit.  It will take some organization, time and work; however, the result will be a happier and healthier me.

I have always accepted the bumps in the road and not beat myself up for these veers off track.  This time won't be any different.  I can't change the path I traveled these last few weeks and anger/sadness/etc.. won't help me get where I need to be.  Therefore, I am going to push forward and take it one day at a time.

Day one of my desire for this new focus is coming to a close, and I will wrap it up with excitement for where I am headed.  I have made myself accountable writing it out here.  So here is to tomorrow and the tomorrows to come!

Life is an amazing gift! Get out there and make the most of it!