Yep I Will Do That in Public

Each time I entered the gym to do a strength routine my eyes would instantly dart to every corner of the gym to survey the crowd.  Would this be a day where the weights would be skipped for something I felt more comfortable doing in front of other people?  Or perhaps there was no one in the gym and no fear of looking foolish.  I remember days when I headed to the gym for a good weight session, made it half way through and ended up on the bike again because of an irrational fear of what others might think.

When I started my 12 week weight lifting program in October it required equipment that I did not have available at home.  Therefore, I had to come face to face with this.  It was important for me to complete this routine, and I knew what was necessary for it to happen.  The first week in the gym was rough, and I even skipped a few exercises because I was not confident in my ability to perform them well.  However, as the weeks passed I became more and more comfortable.  As I neared the end of the 12 weeks I walked into the gym with very little regard to the people around, did my work and left.  I had conquered this fear or so I thought.

After the 12 weeks ended, I was starting P90X, and  was looking at doing it at the gym.  So that first day heading into the gym with a new routine in hand my heart was racing.  However, with the success of the last 12 weeks behind me, I got it done. Then I returned for each day after that.  So I had overcome this anxiety and gained confidence in myself through the process.  BUT... There was still one exercise that I was still not comfortable doing.  The dreaded burpee around anyone that was not of direct relation to me was absolutely terrifying. I could barely do three of them without feeling completely exhausted.   Therefore, as I started the 30 day burpee challenge this was a real concern.

I am very happy to report that two weeks ago I stepped in the gym and faced this fear head on.  I have now done burpees in the gym, in my office, in front of my coworkers and even in a park.  My burpees are far from awesome, but man have they come a long way.

Although this growing experience on the surface seems to be all about my caring less about what other people think, I believe it is more than that.  I began to realize that this was about me.  I was doing these exercises to better myself, my body and my life.  Therefore, none of these people that I was so worried about really have a place in this process or the right for me to allow them to disrupt it.  This journey has been very personal for me.  Even though my family, friends and a few complete strangers have been impacted by it, I am doing this for me!

Thankfully I have come to a place where I don't care what they think about my form or physical ability.  This journey is one of a very personal nature, and I am truly happy that it now resides in its proper place.  Who cares what other people think about what I am doing.  I am not doing it for them!!!

What Happens When You Commit to a Month of Doing Something You Dread???

I have come to enjoy most of everything related to exercise in the last few years, with the exception of one. Some people consider it a form of torture and it is used in Spartan Races as a form of punishment for skipping an obstacle. Yes, I am talking about everyone's favorite, BURPEES!!!

If you don't know what a burpee is, go ask someone and pay attention their reaction just from the word alone.  It has been known to make people run and hide just by its mere mention.  Those of us that have done a burpee or two know what an amazing addition it makes to any workout.  You can't argue with all the great benefits of this exercise; however, I will admit that my relationship with them has usually been one of complete avoidance.  Therefore, when a friend approached me about doing a 30 Day Burpee Challenge it seemed the answer would be obvious.  Why in the world would I want to spend a month doing this dreadful exercise and celebrate day 30 with 150 of them???  Apparently that super crazy part of my brain said yes before the sane part had a chance to figure out what was happening.

So here I sit on Day 22 of the challenge that seemed so obviously absurd.  I can't say I know exactly how I have gotten here, but it seems that I have committed myself to this month of dread.  In the beginning it was just a mindless thing that took a few minutes a day and was a warm up to my workout.  Around the middle of the month it became serious.  I have learned to fit burpees into my day in many ways.  It is possible that I might have even done some in the closet off my office.  Shhh!!!  Anyway, as the month has progressed I have developed a pretty strong desire to conquer this b%t$h!!!

Although I refused to admit it for a the first half of this challenge, burpees really do get easier with practice.  I am sure most of you don't want to hear that, but please feel confident that I would never lie about something so serious.  Also, getting better at burpees impacts your physical abilities in all other areas too.  I almost hate to admit that this awful exercise really does some amazing things to your body.  When I was at the gym today doing the spin bike it was a truly amazing difference.  My squats and lunges have been impacted as well.  They are lower, more controlled and just darn impressive.  Therefore, I must give burpees their due respect and tell you that they really do kick a$%!!!

So to sit here and imagine the fact that I could not even jump back for the squat thrust portion of a burpee less than a year ago is humbling.  I have come a long way from the out of shape broken down body of my past, and I hope to continue to find new areas for improvement.

The scars from the years of self abuse will always remain on this body and soul, however, I find myself further distanced from that place with each and every day.  May I never return to that place but always be reminded of its presence and the possibility of returning there.

In case you want to see burpees in action, here is a video of me doing some around day 7 of the challenge.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9cCipV_XGs

Life Changing Loss and The Years That Follow

My father passed away eight years ago.  I remember feeling that life had suddently changed.  I spent months with a lot of anger toward older people.  It was totally irrational!!  I guess it was just part of my trying to work through my loss.  I was 29 when my dad died, and my son was 5 months old.  It seemed that he was taken from me too early, but I have to remember how extremely lucky I was to have him as long as I did.

There are so many things that continue to remind me of him.  It can be a certain look I get from Owen, something funny Cate does that reminds me of how much he would have loved her or all the times we are together as a family.  Then there are the times that I can't remember something about him or it seems that life without him as become too normal, and I begin to weep.

A sadness is present about the fact that life is starting to feel normal without him in it. There is almost a sense of guilt about this feeling.  I know this does not seem rational, but it is part of my processing this loss and life without him.  

I hope to continue to cherish every moment where I think of him, see his characteristics or mannerisms that are displayed through my children or a memory shared with friends or family. One of the best things about my father was the friends of mine that he made feel they were one of his own kids.  I have so many friends that I get to share special memories of my dad with because he meant so much to them as well.  I love sharing those conversations with them.  The fact that my father touched so many lives fills me with joy.

Although his physical presence is no longer with us, I truly know that his spirit lives on within our family and those he loved.  I hope that my children get to know their grandfather through the memories we share with them.

As the anniversary of his death approaches I want to focus on celebrating his life and the wonderfaul ways he impacted the person I am today.  May this day be a celebration of the love that he gave me and all the ways he continues to touch my life each day.

It Has Been One of Those Weeks...

Sometimes I just don't feel right, and I find it so hard to locate the exact cause.  Maybe I fight a little depression from time to time, hormones are off, sleep deprivation or fighting off a cold.  Whatever the reason it can wreck havoc on my day, week, etc...

Last week started with some of those down moments where I just felt pitiful.  I enjoyed quite a few pity parties, but mostly I was just angry because I wanted my mood to lighten.  As the week progressed this feeling did get better.  However, it was replaced with a really nasty cold.  I was not thrilled to get sick, but I was pretty excited that it caused the mental blahs to leave. 

Unfortunately, this less than perfect week caused me to be anything but a pleasant person to be around.  My family really does need an award for putting up with me during those awful times.  Mind you, they have their moments as well.  I would assume we all do; however, I have not lived anyone elses life to be sure. Additionally, I was less than consistent with my workouts over the last 7 days.  For anyone that visits the gym regularly, you know that skipping a workout when feeling mentally down brings nothing good to the situation. Exercising when you don't feel like doing it is the best thing for you.

So this weekend was a chance to get myself together and head into this coming week with a new perspective.  Due to the cold and a less than normal ability to breath, I decided not to workout yesterday.  However, I replaced that time with some serious organizing and purging.  This is a healing process for me and energizes me for days/weeks to come.  I love to go through the house, get rid of the clutter, pass on things to others that we no longer use and organize what we have.  Even today I have experienced moments of true bliss when I have walked into the kitchen to see it so clean and orderly.  Even opening my pantry is a delightful experience.  Yes, I thrive on these things.

Today we decided to skip church and my morning workout.  I wanted some time to reconnect with my family.  We took the morning and all slept in pretty late.  That was a real treat for everyone because we usually need an alarm to wake up for an early morning activity.  It was a true delight to snuggle in bed with Kent for a few extra hours.  Heck I even had breakfast in bed this morning.  These are the moments that help to rejuvenate my spirit.

So with my mood lightened and feeling pretty good health wise, from the extra rest, I decided a workout was necessary before the day ended.  Tonight would have been my third day off this week from some type of exercise, and it just did not feel right.  Therefore, I moved my P90X workout from tomorrow morning to this evening.  Completing this workout ended the weekend on the perfect note!

This weekend was not the norm for our family, but it was a very welcome change of pace.  Kent and I got some time to reconnect and just be together without a lot of commitments.  We got to spend some quality time together as a family, and we all got some much needed rest.  This has left me feeling good, and I hope to carry this positive energy into my week ahead.  

Someone Please Stop Me!!!

Unfortunately, I know this feeling well and remember the self talk that is currently happening inside my head.  It is that voice that tells you it is OK to eat another slice of pizza or that one more piece of Halloween candy won't really make that big of a difference.  This very sweet supportive voice, that is really out to get you in trouble, seems so confident that you can eat like crap one more day and turn everything around tomorrow.  However, there is one problem.  The voice returns the next day to delay getting back on track just a little bit longer.  Sometimes she can even talk you into waiting through the weekend because really Monday is a better day to get back on track.  Amazing how many of those days came and went in my past and nothing ever changed.  The fact is that if you want to change you need to do it that instant and not wait.

Although I have been very consistent with exercise over the last few years, eating right comes and goes with me.  I find it the hardest thing to keep under control, but I also find it is the most beneficial to losing weight.  Therefore, I must find a way to get myself off this self destructive track of eating crap and then telling myself it is OK.  When I sit back and truly think about all the reasons/excuses I have given myself over the years to eat things that I know I shouldn't it is almost comical.  One day I get a pass because it was a stressful day or maybe I am feeling a little sick, how can you possibly eat anything other than comfort food when you have a cold, or maybe the world is just not aligned properly that day.  Whatever the crazy reason I give myself for allowing that piece of cake, that pizza, the nighttime bowl of cereal it is nothing more than justification for what I know is wrong.

I know there will be slips and days where I eat bad things, but I need to get that back to rare occasions and not a daily occurence.  So tomorrow I will steer back to that familiar road and try to get back on track.  

The old saying is that nothing worth doing is ever easy.  Losing all this weight and the daily battle to keep it off has been anything but easy.  However, the benefits I have reaped from all this hard work have been well worth it.

How Goodwill, Testosterone and a Fallen Tree Positively Impacted My Weekend

We spent a much needed weekend away from home, and as with most trips I awoke early each morning to workout.  This is a priority in my day for myself and for those that will be around me.  Everyone benefits from my workouts because of my happiness for the remainder of the day.  I am pleased to say that not only did I get to workout each day, but I even threw in some extra workouts.

When I say extra workouts I don't mean I spent more time in the gym.  These are workouts that I incorporated into my days.  With this lifestyle I find that my weekend days and vacation days are filled with thoughts of ways to get out and be active.  

On Saturday, my mom, sister and myself went shopping at the Goodwill Outlet for 3 hours.  And yes this really is a pretty strenuous workout.  Not only do you build muscles carrying 5-10 pounds of clothes on one arm, but you are strengthing the other arm as it sorts through piles of clothing.  My sister even commented the next day how sore her arm was from this adventure.  So there you have it.  Next time you are going shopping, skip the cart and carry your goods for an extra workout.

On Sunday my sister's church was doing a volunteer day out in the community.  Our first choice project, baking (not much of a workout), was full.  Therefore, we got sent to the Carolina Raptor Center.  After lunch we were given three choices for projects.  First choice was hauling away a fallen evergreen tree.  Second was pruning and cleaning around the visitors center and third was cleaning the trails.  As has been the case for a while now, my immediate choice was the tree.  Why??  Because it was the best possible strength and cardio workout.  My how things have changed.

Not too many years ago I avoided most manual labor, and now when given the choice I run toward it.  My mother and sister even commented about the fact that my eyes immediately lite up at the mention of the task of removing the tree.  I do have to admit I was pretty excited about the opportunity.

It turned out to be a good 2 hour workout of dragging very large limps, rolling and carrying large logs.  I got a great workout.  Sure I got a little scrapped and bruised, but it was a whole lot of fun.

One of the highlights of the tree clearing was watching a humorous display of testosterone at work.  I was the only woman that chose this task, so I was with a group of 5-6 men.  In the beginning it just us all working together clearing the area....then came the axe...I have learned that if you give a group of grown men an axe and a large tree they become beasts.  It was nothing short of a group of cavemen out there.  I could not help but stop and watch them at times.

I can't do the scene any justice, but they were using an axe to finish cutting a very large log that was left.  With each swing of the axe they came more alive.  Soon they were all around this large tree trunk coming up with ideas for moving it, logistics on cutting it and where they were going to put it.  It was one of the most entertaining things I have seen in a long time.  Best part... Kent was one of the most active and vocal members of this newly formed caveman tribe.  I saw a part of him that I don't think I knew existed.  I honestly thought at the end they would start stripping off their shirts and banging on their chests.  To see men in this element was priceless.

I guess sometimes it pays off to pick the manly project on volunteer day.  You never know what you will get to experience.

Give Thanks

As I head out for my daily therapy, exercise, I can't help but feel grateful for all that I have been given.  First and foremost I thank God that I have the physical ability to run/jog/walk, for this beautiful day to enjoy being outside and for helping me see the need for change in my life so many years ago.

I give thanks to my mother who will be watching my children while I get to enjoy partnering with Kent for today's workout.  When I get to enjoy time with one of my favorite people doing one of my favorite things it just starts the day out right.

Kent is not always the most willing participant in my exercise ventures, but he is a good sport.  He has not come to my level of obsession with working out, but any chance he gets, he is right there beside me for my adventures. It is nice to share the time and to have his company.

May today remind you of the many ways your life has been blessed.  Take a few minutes to be grateful, remind the people in your life of your thanks and celebrate life each day.

Until next time.....



 

How Did I Ever Live Without You??

Now that I have found you it seems like I must have felt like there was something missing without you in my life.  I remember a time I felt my life was complete without you, however, it has been made better because of your presence in it.  This statement applies to so many things in my life.

Three of the most important people in my life came at a time that I did not expect, but the amazing impact has been felt daily since their arrival.

When I first met Kent I was not interested in finding the man I was going to marry or even a serious relationship. However, I am grateful that there was a power at work that knew better and helped me open up to these possibilities. Kent continues to be a great partner in this journey through life.  I appreciate the relationship we have, the support he provides and the family we have created together.

With each of our children life has changed in the most amazing ways.  They have each been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  To become a parent changes your focus, provides new clarity and makes your life take on a new meaning.  They continue to amaze me each day through their growth, intelligence, independence and love.  They are definitely the most amazing gift, and I love that I get a front row seat as I watch them grow.  They also help keep my priorities in the right place.

Moving to Virginia was definitely not something we spent years planning or expected as part of our lives. There were a lot of concerns about how the children would adjust, how secure the job would be and leaving a place that was home to enter an unfamiliar land.  But as a family we decided to not look back and wonder about possibilities, but instead to change direction and see where it would lead us.  Great experiences have resulted from this move.

These are great examples of ways life takes you in new directions, oftentimes in unexpected ways.  Don't be scared to take that chance or make the change because it might be the best step you ever take.

That Magic Number

When I weighed over 300 pounds even being less than 200 seemed impossible.  I am happy to say that is has been over 18 months since stepping on the scale to a number that began with 2.  

I would imagine this journey is the same as with a lot of large accomplishments in life.  When you look at it from a distance it seems unobtainable, impossible and all you see is the hard work necessary to get there. Once you get the momentum going and you reach ever closer to that line, it starts to come into a realistic view.  Before you know it you are there.  You bath in the glory of a moment, you celebrate, you feel great and there is a new piece of yourself discovered.  Then your attention turns to this new body you have created and ways to yet again change it.  You begin to see the extra 30-40 pounds as the new enemy that must be conquered.

Although I can look back and physically see through pictures the accomplishment and the transformation I have achieved, my perspective has changed.  As a person that weighed 280 + for years I remember being frustrated when I heard people the size I am now or smaller talk about being overweight.  As I saw it they were the perfect size, and I wanted so badly to need to only lose the 20-30 pounds they were fussing about.  I now see so much of it is about where you are, where you have been and your personal experiences.  I wanted to see a weight less than 250, then 220, and then below 200.  Now there is a new magical number that I long to see on that scale, however, it continues to elude me.

So maybe it is time for a change, something different to seek, a new goal....maybe even something totally separate from the scale all together.  I want to learn to be happy where I am weight wise.  I certainly want to continue focusing on eating right and staying active, but I want it to be about enjoying life and no longer a battle with the scale.

For now I will shift my focus to exercise.  I have begun to look at my trips to the gym as stress relief, time to relax and time for just me.  I will continue to transform my body each day through exercise because this is something that brings a great amount of satisfaction and joy to my life. This journey can not be all about a number on the scale.  It is a journey to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life.

It has been too long....

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote here.  A pretty significant event has occured.  Although I have been very consistent with cardio workouts for years, I have not found much success with strength training until recently.

In July, I found a weightlifting routine that did not look too time consuming, but promised results.  I figured with my history of starting and stopping quickly what did I have to lose.  Today I completed the last Monday in the 12 week routine!  I almost can't believe what I have accomplished.  In just a few days I will complete my first full 12 week weightlifting routine, and I am pleased to say you can see a difference when I flex my muscles.  (ha, ha)

Now it is time to plan for what is next.  With the confidence in what I can do, the results I have achieved and some support from those around me, I feel good about this next step toward new strength.

On another subject, I have a new project that I want to complete.  I really want to create a video of pictures and videos that document my weight loss journey so far.  I am sure there will be more milestones down the road, but I want something to represent up to this point.  Getting started on this has proved to be hard because I know how I would like for the end result to look, but getting there seems to be eluding me.  Something to look forward to.... I hope.

Lastly, there are a few things I find that help remind me of where I want to head in life, where I want to lead my children and how I want to inspire other people in health and fitness.  I like to look at pictures of the old me and find they help remind me of all the reasons I don't want to get back to that place.  I try to encourage my children to find ways to remain active, talk to them about fitness and even include them in workouts at home.  The final piece is missing for me.  I want to inspire others to make the changes they want,  Whether it is through support, encouragement or being someone to just listen.  I thought about becoming a trainer, but I don't think that is the right place.  Therefore, I continue to search for areas to explore and ways I might help others on their journey.

Till next time.....

New Beginnings...

Sometimes I wonder how many times I can possibly have a fresh start, get back on track or have a new beginning on this journey.  I am sure there are people that start something and never slip into bad habits again.  Maybe they find that perfect solution right from the start and it fits perfectly.   This journey has been a lot of trial/error and stops/restarts for me, and I am OK with that.

When I look back at this journey, so far, I don't see a perfectly straight path.  No, my path to success seems to be bumpy and has some turn offs.  However, I have always reminded myself that this will happen, and I have to just keep moving forward.  As long as I continue to keep in mind that I must return to the journey, I won't beat myself up about these side trips. 

So here is to another new beginning.  After an injury two weeks ago, I am back to working out regularly and started a new eating plan yesterday.  The first week is always the hardest, but I feel strong.  May this strength carry me through this phase of the journey and the many to come.  This battle won't be won overnight, but it is something I feel a passion to overcome, not only for myself, but for my family.

Frustration!!!

How is a journey that seems so easy at times so frustrating at others?  I drastically changed my eating habits a few weeks ago by starting an elimination diet.  I was amazed by the changes I could make and what was possible when I committed to something.  I lost 7 pounds in the first week, and I was pretty excited.

In the 5-6 weeks I tested all the major culprits and did not find the source.  However, I was fortunate my stomach only acted up twice during this time, and I felt much better overall.  After testing dairy and gluten, I learned their only impact seemed to be some quick weight gain.  Good reason to limit them.

The last 7-10 days has not been good.  I experienced an injury about 10 days ago and had to stop exercising because of the pain.  I tried some alternatives but used this time as more of an excuse to just get completely off track.  To compound this effect the doctor put me on steroids to help speed the healing in my foot.  This created an intense desire to eat everything in sight.  Needless to say I have veered completely off course, gotten out of the workout routine and just feel lousy.

So I have decided that tomorrow is a new day.  I am going to get up early, workout out and get back to eating right.  I truly believe that I want to beat this weight thing and become the physical person that I know is possible.  However, there must be something still standing in my way because success continues to be missed.  I had no idea how many mental components there are to this weight loss journey.

All I can do is look to tomorrow and make it count.  Each day I allow myself to slide backwards is another day of hard work erased.  I can't think of the big picture because it feels to overwhelming, but I can look at each choice and try to make the right one.  I am not going to win this battle overnight.  Instead it is going to be won one tiny step at a time.

Whatever your journey don't let these moments of weakness define you.  Everyone has a time they veer off track, they get lost in the wrong things, influenced by the wrong people, convince themselves that the wrong choice is right to learn later of its true nature, etc... You just have to regain focus and move forward with new intention.  

The Journey Continues... Always Amazed by Where This Leads Me...

So I spent much of December sick and even began the new year with a nice stomach flu.  This time of illness and recovery was littered with bad eating and very rare trips to the gym.  A part of me began to believe I could easily slip into my old ways.  That voice in my head even began to justify my decisions not to work out and the bad food.  Luckily I know where these breaks end up, and I have no desire to see that place again.

I started back to the gym on a regular basis in late December and have been going pretty routinely since.  I have also started a new mission to become better at Burpees.  If you have had the pleasure of doing these, you might think I am totally insane.  However, they are a great overall body workout and mine are pretty pathetic.  I am doing them 4-6 days a week, and they really are improving.  No where close to pretty, but won't get there without practice.

On the food front, I did not make any great strides until last week.  I have been experiencing stomach issues for the last year or so.  The doctor has done ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc..  Since that did not show anything and the diagnosis started to point toward some mental delusions, I decided to do some research.  I had a lot of the symptoms that pointed to a food intolerance.  Therefore, last Wednesday I started a new challenge, an elimination diet.  Luckily, Kent is not only supporting me from the sidelines but has also jumped into the diet with me.

10 days ago we woke up to our first day without dairy, gluten, eggs, sugar, caffeinated beverages, soda and corn for what will likely be a little over a month.  For two weeks we eliminate all these things totally.  In week 3 we begin testing each possible culprit and analyze the effects on our bodies.  I have been fascinated by what I have observed so far.

I always assumed that weight fluctuations were totally normal.  I would wake up and weigh myself on Monday and be 183.  On Tuesday I would be 187 and then Wednesday was 184.  Since eliminating this things, my weight is insanely consistent.  Happy to report that it has consistently gone down each day, but I have not had any fluctuations.  I am also almost completely craving free.  Yes I am hungry at times and I want to eat, but it is nothing compared to what I once felt.  Now I can wait for the good food to be ready and not grab the first food available.

Even though I am doing this to locate the culprit of my stomach issues I really hope to never return to the eating I had before.  It is obvious the food I was eating before was not good for my body.  I would like to create a new eating that has a foundation in my current plan.  Of course this elimination also has a pretty cool side effect.  I am down 6 pounds.  I did not do this for weight loss, but I am certainly going to accept it.

I continue to be in awe of life and this journey.  It takes me places I have never been or even thought I was possible of going.