Stress and sweet success!

This has been a rough week, and I had a very rough night.  I was consumed with difficult feelings and felt lots of stress.  These are dangerous times for my journey to health because I have a really terrible relationship with food.

As long as I can remember I have reached for food to relieve stress, comfort me when I feel discouraged or lift my spirits when I was sad.  It is embarrassing to admit that I have this relationship with food, but it is so true and has been a contributing factor to my weight issues throughout my life.  It is something that weighs on my mind when I think about celebrating with my kids by going out to dinner or getting ice cream.  I worry that I might be teaching them similar habits.

However, in this situation when both stress and sadness hit I turned to friends instead of food.  It was

hard at first but a lot of relief was found in telling them the struggle I was facing and getting their support.  Even a few laughs were shared, and I felt stronger.  I am truly blessed to have people in my life I can turn to when things seem to close in around me.  Whether it is to share all the details with the realization that they won't judge me, but that they will love me through it or just to help me feel accountable to myself not to eat my feelings.  They all help in such wonderful ways, and I am so very grateful.  

So even after a difficult night, I am proud to report that there is Christmas candy in my house and the packages are still sealed.

Here we are again...

It has been a rough year, and the medical issues have taken a toll on my body.  I know there could have been more proactive measures taken to not let it get this far out of control.  I could have taken only the necessary breaks and not extended ones.  Certainly keeping my eating in check while i was unable to be physically active would have helped.  Regardless of all that, this is where I start over.

Instead of beating myself up for all the weight gain, muscle lost and conditioning that will need to be restored, I am going to celebrate that I have returned to this place. There were times I feared all was lost but a little voice in my head continued to remind me of that active life I loved, those times in the gym that made me feel invincible and the workouts that were rough but ended with such sweet success. I might have strayed far, but something inside me knew to keep adding little reminders so I might return here.

Of course the little voice alone did not conquer this major veer off course.  I must give credit to my

guides, who without, I might not have returned so soon.  The are friends that are determined to return to their journey.  It was their invitation to join them, which I was VERY reluctant to accept, that really kicked it all back into gear.  There is something about having others to talk/share with and give/receive support from that makes this seem easier to tackle.

As I wrap up day four of this newest turn back in the right direction, I feel strong, determined and powerful.  I can't say that I will always make the right decisions when it comes to food and being active because I have learned that I will slip and fall from time to time.  However, the right friends and that little voice that doesn't quit will help me find my way back here each time I stray.

So here is to strength, determination and darn good friends.  Please let them all three stick with me in the coming months as I turn this ship around and head back to being healthier and fitter.

I don't have all I want......but I have all that I need!

I don't have what some believe to be the ideal body, a kayak or two would be great to have for weekend fun, when driving around the campground today we commented about how much fun it would be to have a camper, there is always something I would like to have or put on the list of wants.  But when I pull out that ever growing list of things I am reminded of how truly blessed we are with all that God has provided.

After 16 years, I still wake up to a man that I adore.  OK, OK.  I will admit that it is not always adoration, but way more that than anything else.  We have two children who make me feel a love that seems beyond any possible measure.  Sure they bicker, irritate each other and sometimes I have to bribe them to just be quiet, but I would not change them.  We have jobs that may not be perfect but provide the means to food, water, shelter and clothing for our family.  Our bodies may not be perfect, but they allow us to travel and explore this wonderful world.  

I have learned important lessons throughout life, but some have become deep rooted within me.  One of them is that when looking at what I have and my blessings it is not necessary to look at my bank account, my house, my cars or any material possessions.  The true value does not lie in the items that can be counted, but instead in those things that are impossible to measure.

My soul is full of gratefulness for all the blessings I have received.  Life isn't perfect.  It does not lack some discomfort, hardships, arguments and moments where I am less than the best person I could be; however, it is all part of the trip.  

If I could put onto canvas my road through life, it would be a mess.  There was some childhood angst, preteen bullying, teenage heartache, losses that seemed impossible to recover from, overwhelming financial obligations, angry words that could not be taken back and tears.  But even more so there was friendship, unconditional love, encouragement, first kisses, falling in love, happiness, joy beyond measure, new beginnings, laughter and so much beauty everywhere.  All together it is the most amazing masterpiece.  I would not change one single thing.  

As a result of the many blessings I have received, my hope is to provide value through my

 interactions with others.  Every time we cross paths with another whether for a moment or a lifetime we can either increase their blessings or take from their joy.  I aspire to leave them with a fuller cup than when they arrived at our junction.

May we each enrich the lives of others in beautiful ways, be grateful for our blessings each chance we get and love wastefully.  There will never be a time that the world couldn't use more joy, peace and love.  Be the good you want to see in the world and others will catch on...

Adulting Can Be Hard

Sometimes being an adult is the last thing that I want to do.  I love my family, but there are days where I don't want to be "Mom" and am not interested in cleaning the house. I don't pretend these times don't exist or hide behind a shield of trying to be perfect.  Instead I own up to the moment and handle it the best way I see fit.

There are days where I run away to the mountains to leave all that adult stuff behind and fill my soul with the goodness only mother nature can provide.  At times I lay around reading the latest Facebook news and allow the kids extended computer time so I can veg longer.  Then there are moments where I pack us all into the car and go find something to do whether grocery shopping, dinner out, the dog park or another city adventure.  Just to break the funk and move forward.

I have grown to understand that life is too short to take too seriously.  I don't let a bad day turn into a bad week.  The dishes, laundry and dust will be there if today does not feel like the right day for adult responsibilities.  And the children are going to grow up just fine even if mommy takes a night to veg on mindless activities.

Most of all I have learned that one of my least favorite parts of adulting is having a full time job. This certainly does not mean I don't do it and do the very best I can.  I take great pride in my job, the relationships I have through it and the quality of the service I provide.  However, I would choose any day to be hiking in the mountains over being in an office all day, even though I work with some awesome people.

So...what it does mean is that my job has a place in my life that is just as important as the play portion

of my life.  I feel that it is imperative that I remain focused on this balance to ensure my future ability to handle being an adult.  I also feel very compelled to pass this on to my children.  It will be with

great pride that I am able to witness my grown children balancing a career and all the things they love to do outside of work.  I want them to cherish this balance as much as their father and I do.

All this being said I will be the first to admit that we have had to make a lot of sacrifices to have this balance.  However, I would not change a thing.  We are blessed to have enough to work, play and explore.  May these experiences enrich our children's' lives, our lives and be an example to others to play more often.

Hello Old Friend

Sometimes we connect to places, things and people in profound ways that are hard to explain. There is a comfort about it that puts our soul at peace. This is one of those places for me.

There was something that tugged at my soul when I first set foot in the Green Mountain state, and it has had a hold of me ever since. It was like no place I had ever traveled in the states, and I was immediately drawn to the unspoiled beauty.

As we traveled on familiar roads today and explored new areas, I felt such bliss.  I can only describe it as feeling like visiting a good friend. My soul finds peace, joy and fulfillment in these beautiful mountains.

I feel so blessed to be able to travel, explore and experience what truly fulfills me.  I am truly honored to share, although not always with the same vest, these journeys with my husband and kids.  I know Kent shares my love for these adventures, and I hope my children grow to cherish these times and do the same with their kids.

Excited to spend the next 3 days in this land I hold so dear.

And the Winner is..... A Bad Gallbladder!

I have been battling an ongoing medical issue for over 5 years.  After multiple tests, doctors visits and even a specialist, I finally got an answer that I already knew.  My gallbladder is not functioning.  

When I experienced my first attack five years ago I almost instantly knew what was happening.  My mother had her gallbladder removed around that same age, I had lost a large amount of weight and the attack was following a delicious but very greasy meal. The pain was very centralized to one specific area of my right side.  It had to be my gallbladder.  

After a brief doctor visit, I was scheduled for testing.  Once I finally got into that first ultrasound the attack had subsided, I felt great and we learned there were no gallstones.  Therefore, I went on with life until the next attack hit.  Another visit to the doctor with the same symptoms prompted blood work and scheduling another ultrasound.  Their belief was that with more than 6 months since the last one the results might have changed.  To no surprise from me the results were the same, and attack number two had subsided.  

The next attack resulted in a referral to a specialist to see what else could be done.  They were very hesitant to agree with my self diagnosis and wanted to rule out an ulcer.  Therefore, I was put on ulcer medication and sent home.  I was already post attack at this point so I can't say for sure whether the medicine helped or not.

I believe there was an attack or two that I let come and go without even going to the doctor out of sheer frustration.  However, the last attack occurred during a stomach flu last fall, and it was too terrible to ignore.  It resulted in a visit back to the specialist who said the next step was an endoscopy. Lo and behold my stomach was in great shape, and I was even given pictures to prove it.  They advised the next step was a Hidascan.  

Now you might say well why didn't you do the Hidascan then and not wait.  Well, shortly after the endoscopy was when I ended up in the hospital with my second DVT; therefore, more hospital bills were not high on my list, and of course we were way past the last attack at that point.  Amazing how different the priorities are based on whether currently having a gallbladder attack or post attack.  

So we get to this attack.  I rode it out for 10 days before finally giving in and making a doctors appointment.  He agreed that it had to be my gallbladder but felt no surgeon would talk to me without a Hidascan.  So today the test was performed, and within 2 hours of its completion my doctor called with the results.  My gallbladder is not working!!!

So finally we have the test results to support what I felt the answer was five years ago.  Surgery will be scheduled, and this series of attacks will end.  

I have felt at times that I was crazy and maybe I was making this up and wasn't in pain.  It feels good to know that I am not completely nuts.  

I feel the moral of this story is that when you know something doesn't feel right make sure you don't give up.  Sometimes you have to find the right doctor or the right test.  It is an awful feeling to know there is something wrong but nothing concrete to support it.  

It is important to allow your medical team to help guide you, but you must be an active participant. There were two times they wanted to do another ultrasound, and I demanded something different.  I refused to spend more money and come up empty handed once more.  

I am not excited about having surgery, but I am glad to finally have this resolved.  So don't give up, if you truly feel more needs to be looked at or tested.  It is your body, and you know it better than anyone.

Balancing Without Losing Myself

When I had my first blood clot 13 years ago it was a shock.  Sure I had read the birth control labels that you had a chance of clots and that smoking could increase that risk.  However, I never thought it could happen to me.  One of those things you file away and never comes to mind again.

In the months following my first clot I went through a lot of testing, and it was concluded that I did not have any genetic risk factors.  This clot seemed to logically be the result of birth control, smoking, being overweight and a long plane flight to Mexico without enough movement.  These things were easily eliminated or prevented in the future.  

Giving up smoking was tough at times and the thought of life without any hormones was rough; however, this all seemed very manageable.  I learned to get up and walk on flights and stop more frequently on car rides.  I was a bit slower to take care of the overweight/unhealthy part; however, over the years this became a very big part of my life.  

Many years later I found the only time my mind drifted to the clot was when my leg would swell and cause discomfort.  I never worried about another clot because the risk factors were eliminated or at least I truly believed they were.  

Fast forward to February 2016 and I am doing amazing. The fitness part of my life is right on track, I am eating well and things are just falling into place.  I am getting ready to sign up for my first mud run in a few years.  I am pumped up and just at the tail end of a burpee challenge.  

I wake up one morning to some abnormal swelling in my leg.  So here is where clot #2 enters my life. After a day of not really being concerned, the test confirms this is another clot and the present journey begins.  

I am currently six months post second clot.  We don't have much in the way of reasons for this one, except the previous clot and some borderline test results.  It is a bit frustrating not to have a concrete reason that I can just remove from my life.  I made the decision last week to remain on a preventative dose of the blood thinners.  This still does not sit well with me, but it appeared to be the most logical conclusion.  

Now begins the process of doing what I want but balancing the risks of another clot and side effects of this drug.  I love to travel, but I need to be more conscious of getting out on a regular basis.  I enjoy a few beers from time to time; however, I find that this can cause the leg to really be annoyed with me.  I love being physically active, hiking, doing race events, but I need to make sure I manage the risks of these things.  Here starts the balancing of risks and life.  I don't want to allow this medical condition to dictate my activities and enjoyment.  However, I must be aware of it in my decisions.

I want to continue doing what I want to do and pushing myself to explore areas outside of my comfort zone.  However, I will need to take more time to research and think through my next steps before I jump in.  This is just part of the balance to ensure enjoyment without too much unnecessary risk.

Throughout life we each face challenges of varying degrees.  Some are definitely more life changing than others and require a much tougher battle to fight.  However, each has to opportunity to change us or define us in a different way.  I want to remain focused in the face of these challenges and not get lost in them.  

My Soul Needed That

I started out the weekend sleep deprived, anxiety filled, struggling with stomach issues and ready to crawl into a hole for two days. Once we started to talk about going to the National Park and hiking everything began to turn around.  There is a peace that settles into my soul after hours of wandering in the woods. Nature is my second home, and I jumped at the opportunity to get out there.

Although my family is much less eager for these hikes, they willingly join me on these adventures.  They appear to have a great time once out there, but it can be painful to get them to the car.

These times walking in the woods are filled with some of my absolute favorite family moments.  We talk about life, dreams, hopes, school, friends and whatever comes to our minds.  I hear a lot of "I love you Mom" while on these hikes and that reinforces that I am not the only one finding peace among those trees.


Not only did we get to spend over 5 hours walking in the woods this weekend, but we also spent hours exploring new areas.  One of the many things I adore about my husband is the fact that he loves to wander off the beaten path.  He likes to take the road less traveled and find quiet places that many travelers would never see as they speed past on the main roads.  I feel blessed to have a partner that does not rush to the next destination and takes time to experience life at a slower pace.

As I wrap up this weekend I feel a sense of
peace that only comes from the experiences that filled the last two days.  We explored good local eateries, soaked in the beauty of nature, felt exhilaration climbing up and down mountains and had good quality time together.  It has helped rejuvenate my body and soul.  

I am truly blessed beyond measure to live in this beautiful area, be physically able to explore the trails and have such amazing company along the way.  I look forward to the next chance to hit the trails and hope it won't be too long off.

Live life to the fullest, love without limits and cherish every moment you get to spend with those you love.  May you get moments that fill your soul with peace and be a reminder of the many blessings present in your life.

Don't Let Others Take Your Joy

I have been guilty of allowing the opinions of others steal my joy at times.  It is such a worthless act to care what others think of your life choices, situation, circumstances, etc... They don't know your priorities and the hand you have been dealt.  To be honest it is none of their business.

I can't control what other people are going to think, but I do have the ability to change my reaction to it.  Instead of allowing myself to get angry I need to remember they obviously have no joy if they take their time finding faults in the what others do, none of which is hurting them.  

It is also important to remember these things when I feel the desire to have an opinion about someone else.  Best to remember that I don't know their circumstances or the road they have walked through life.  

We all make the choices that we feel are best for us and our loved ones.  We each have a unique set of priorities, circumstances and cards we have been dealt.  It is one of the miracles of life that we can embrace and love one another without having to believe, feel and live exactly the same way.  

Therefore, I will turn my recent frustrations with the judging from others into a reason to accept and love others even more freely.  Life is too short to waste time worrying about what other people think. Embrace your passion and live without regrets!

Being a Parent Through Childhood Transitions

Tomorrow starts a new school year and a time to reflect on the ways our children have changed and grown.  One of my biggest joys as a parent is watching them grow and change.  Even when they are being difficult and challenging a part of me enjoys seeing them become their own person.

My years as a parent have been some I truly cherish.  I enjoy each stage as much as the last, and I don't feel like it is speeding past. When I look back on Owen's elementary school years they have been so full of changes.  His personality, his love of learning, his interests and his love of reading have all flourished during these last six years.  He has had so many wonderful experiences and begun the journey into being a young man.  I thank his amazing teachers for their contributions to his learning and life.

He has been very nervous about transitioning to a new school and taking on these new responsibilities. I feel proud and a little anxious for him to become settled into this new routine and environment.  I hope his middle school experience is as great as possible.  I know it is an awkward time for almost everyone.

Last week we visited the school, met his teachers and walked to his classes.  He had a sense of pride when presented with his gym combo lock.  This seemed to help calm the anxious feelings about this new endeavor and instill a new sense of responsibility.

He has been very affectionate the last few days as we made the final preparations for the first day of school.  We also felt it was time for a room makeover which resulted in a space that he really enjoys.

Tonight we started toward bed early in preparation for tomorrow.  There was plenty of stalling, but they finally got off to sleep, and I wrapped up some things I had planned for after bedtime.

As I was headed to bed myself I checked on both kids.  While in Owen's room I noticed that he had neatly set out his clothes and shoes for tomorrow.  His alarm was set early for extra time to shower, eat and have some time to hang out before catching the bus.  It made me so happy to see he had taken the time to help prepare for his first day.

I am proud of the son Kent and I are raising.  Sure he knows how to push our buttons, argues to a fault and can be a real pain; however, I would not change a thing.  I adore the young man he is becoming.  I look forward to a successful first day of middle school for him and a great year.

Letting Go and Keep Moving On

I have found it difficult in life to walk away from something or make a change, even when I realize it would probably be the best thing for me.  This is true for a variety of situations where it feels like change is needed, but instead I resist and remain planted.  It is a battle within my own being.  I am constantly tugged to pull away or change and planting me deeper into place.

This has been a struggle with my weight loss, friendships, lovers, eating healthy, and the list could go on and on.  I see that my current situation or path is unhealthy or possibly littered with pain; however, I find reasons to justify remaining. Part is comfort in these familiar things, and change can most certainly be uncomfortable. However, we can't grow without it and sometimes changes bring the most magical things.  Taking that first step can be the hardest, but it brings promise, hope and opportunity.

Sometimes fear creeps in that I will fall back into the unhealthy pattern or situation. Why can't I just turn and never look back?  Is it the comfort, how good it makes me feel or the convenience of not changing. My brain can come up with one good reason after another to make the change or walk away, but somehow I counteract it in an effort to return to that familiar place.

There will be bumps along the way, but I must keep reminding myself to look deeper and maintain a healthy bit of skepticism.  Reevaluating friendships, goals and habits will help me remember to not linger too long in unhealthy places.

I have so many blessings and wonderful support to help me continue to move in the right direction.  I got this!

Here is to a bright future with many possibilities.  Changes will be necessary, taking on new challenges is a must and facing unfamiliar territory won't be done alone.  May it bring strength, health and happiness!

A Vacation From Reality

I am so fortunate to get time away from work, home and just general being an adult crap.  I find the best vacations are where when I return home it seems hard to face work, bills and responsibilities.  It might sound crazy, but those are the times that I realize that the past week was a total escape.  Yep the first few days home and back to work stink, but there is a small voice inside me saying, "heck yeah we know how to vacation right."

Our recent trip was awesome.  We really enjoyed ourselves, relaxed and recharged.  We got to see some really beautiful places, laughed and spend time with those we share so much love.

There are times that while doing finances I realize how much vacations impact the money we have; however, it is one of the best investments that I make.  It is not something that will fund my retirement or give me a big savings balance.  However, it is providing immeasurable things.  These are time together, life experiences and memories to last forever.  I hope these vacations grow a desire within my children to explore the world, experience new things and balance work and play as adults. I know people often wonder how I afford all these trips, and trust me they make an impact.  However, the sacrifices I make financially are more than worth it for me.

Life is going to throw a lot of things at you, and they won't always be easy to overcome.  However, I find that these times together are just the right medicine to realize the multitude of life's blessings.

The transition back to reality has been rough and returning to work will be tough.  The realization that I work hard to provide these amazing times for our family will keep me going.  We are so fortunate be able to spend these times together and give our children these experiences.  I have often said that I would live on bread and water before I give up traveling, and I still feel just as strong.

I have often read that it is better to give your children experiences and not material things.  I hope that my children grow up cherishing and appreciating the wonderful times that we have had together.   I look forward to our next adventure soon.

Motherhood: The Hardest Job Ever!

This job takes a strong person to fill.  To do it well you must be willing to sacrifice your own wants and needs at times and most definitely forego sleep and beauty to get the job done.  It won't always be the most glamorous role, but the benefits are beyond amazing.  Being a mother has been the most difficult and abundantly rewarding role that I have ever had in my life.  This goes for being a mother to my children both furry and non-furry.  I have made sacrifices for them all, but the rewards have overwhelmingly exceeded them.

It never ceases to amaze me when I see my children and realize that I am responsible for that human being.  At times I just sit and watch or listen to them in sheer awe of the people they are becoming. However, I must admit that the amazement is not always in a positive way.  When they are being stubborn, gross or just plain difficult I think to myself how did I create such a pain in the a**.  Then I say a silent thanks to my mother for what she has put up with from me over my almost 40 years. Being a mother includes tears, smiles, joys, sorrows and every other possible emotion.  As a friend has often said it is like having your heart walk outside of your body.  I have never felt a love like that of being a mother.

As a mother I have come to appreciate my own mom in a totally different way.  I am in awe of all that she did raising the three of us.  Often I think about the adults we have each become and realize what a reflection that is on the parenting we received.  Definite credit is due to our mother and father for the life that they provided for us and the foundation they created for us to build upon.

I am honored to share my life with some pretty awesome mothers.  For sure we aren't perfect, but I believe that only makes us better.  We teach our children through examples that life isn't always simple, but that we have strength to figure it all out.  Mistakes are going to happen, but we love ourselves and others through them.  It is the raw beauty of life and being a parent that is the essence of this role.  I cherish the lessons I learn and the moments I share with others who call themselves Mom.

Today is a celebration of mothers and the amazing gift of their love, devotion and sacrifice.  There are many paths to becoming a mother, and each mom deserves a day to celebrate.  Make sure to tell your mother how much you love and appreciate her.  She is a huge reason you are here today.

The Struggles of Starting Over

In some ways it feels like yesterday, but we moved our family to Virginia almost five years ago.  I never saw myself living in Indiana for 18 years, and I still find it hard to believe.  However, in those years I got to know some amazing people that changed my life forever.

I remember the weeks before we left Indianapolis being filled with old friends and spending cherished time with those closest to us.  We laughed, partied, shared memories and cried over goodbyes.  It was tough to leave them and begin this new journey; however, it was by far the best decision Kent and I ever made.  No matter what our future holds the benefits of moving our family to Virginia have been amazing.

This transition has not always been easy though. I spent a lot of time feeling homesick and wondering whether friendships would ever develop.  With time it has gotten easier and this is starting to feel like home.  Some good friendships are forming with some ladies that are amazing, strong and inspiring.  I am finding so much joy in creating these new friendships.  At the same time, I cherish every moment that I get to reconnect with an old friend.  Each one, old and new, is so precious to me.

It is kind of like that Girl Scout song that always seemed so corny, Make New Friends.  As I am making new friendships, I am still cherishing the old ones and all the memories we have.  I am grateful for each person that has shared a part of my journey and the contribution they made along the way.

I am excited about the journey ahead and the friends that are going to travel along with me, new and old.

Life is Good!

There have been more times in my life than I wish to admit where I step back and think well this is not exactly where I thought I would be or how in the world did I get here.  I have always been hard on myself.  Whether it is my parenting skills, my financial management or life balancing.  I can be awful about not giving myself credit for accomplishments.  However, I am learning to ease up a little.

Most of us are doing our very best at any given moment.  We all have our stellar phases where everything is in place, we are being our best selves and things are great.  This is balanced with those times where we are having a rough time, a pity party or things are just not quite going right.  I find that it is a mixture of it all that creates this amazing journey, and you just gotta take it all in stride.  Yes, that is easier said than done sometimes.

Take a moment to pause and look around.  Sure the path you have come from is not perfect, but it is littered with so many amazing memories.  Even in times of pain and difficulties there is beauty.  I continue to find amazing blessings hidden within the folds of my life.  It might be overhearing a conversation between my kids, the embrace of my spouse, a conversation with a friend or a loving memory that drifts into my mind.  Cherish these bright spots, even at times when you don't feel like your best self.



Sure I might look around sometimes and think this is not be what I pictured.  However, it always turns out to be exactly what I need.  I am thankful for the forces at work in my life that lead me to where I need to be, even though there are times I struggle to give into it.

I am in a FUNK

I can't really place the origination of this funky mood, but it has been around off and on for a while.  I think it might have started around my blood clot diagnosis back in February.  Maybe the decisions I face there are still weighing in the back of my mind.

One of the reasons the blood clot was such a blow was that my exercise routines were in the perfect sweet spot and my mental state was amazing.  I was handling stress with a new attitude and was in pretty good spirits most of the time.  In the last two months my mood has definitely shifted and with it my stress level and anxiety has risen.  I have felt more insecurity creep in and been much harder on myself.  It seems that when things like this happen it is a snowball effect, and it gets bigger and bigger.  Therefore, before it increases anymore I am going to take action to stop this progression and shift things.

This morning I decided to spend some me time doing yoga and meditation.  I turned back to my coloring book for some time of inner peace and silence.  It might seem silly to some people, but I can be trapped by the thoughts in my head and led down paths of belief that don't even exist.  I can create stories about the way others feel or the path events will move forward on that are not reality.  These thoughts can unravel me and leave me in a state of angst.  Coloring, yoga and meditation are times where my mind clears and focus is turned inward.  It is a time of healing, rejuvenation and renewed energy.  I had unfortunately practiced less and less in the last two months.

It is fascinating that at times when I really need the stress relieving effect of exercise or the inward focus of meditation I pull away from them.  However, I don't wander far from them, as my mind eventually returns to them.  I realize their importance in my life, and the amazing benefits received by their practice.

My focus returns to the things which calm my mind, level my mood and help bring peace to my life.  I realize this won't take away the stress, the to do list, the medical decisions, etc...  However, it will help to ensure I am facing each day from a more centered place.

I never expect immediate changes or to reach that place where I can say, "This is it. Now I am perfect."  Truth is, I feel like an ever changing work in progress.  Maybe a really large painting that has many layers.  Some with exquisite beauty and others that if viewed on their own appear awful. But when you stand back and view it all together it is an amazing work of art.


Our lives are an amazing process.  I think the trick to getting past these not so awesome times is to accept them, surround yourself with people that love you through them and keep an awareness of them creeping in and not allowing them too much space.  The strongest people I know haven't lived without adversity, but instead have faced and conquered it.

Sharing the times when things suck help others realize they aren't alone, and that it is normal to not feel OK sometimes.  I love to be real about life, and I find great connection with others that lay it out there with me.  It is refreshing and healing to realize that none of us have it all figured out; however, together we can provide support, encouragement, guidance and healing.  I have recently become more in touch with the healing power of offering support to others and taking the support given by them.  It is an amazing gift that I hope everyone has the opportunity to experience.

Adulting Sucks: Lets Reward Ourselves for Making it Through Another Day

This post is a little more lighthearted than I normally get in this blog, but the topic was too hard to pass up.  A good friend sent me adult reward stickers and the ideas just started to roll into my head.

See... We reward our children when they complete chores, do their homework, get along with their siblings or listen to us.  Why don't we deserve the same?  

Being an adult is hard work and every one of us deserves a pat on the back at the end of the day for just making it through.  Why not a reward chart to help us put into perspective all the amazing accomplishments we have each day.  

So you might be wondering what in the world would these stickers say... Here are a few we came up with, but the list is endless..

What do we collect the reward stickers for?  Might be to build up to a prize, a daily treat or something special over time. Whatever the reason, it is a visual reminder of how much you kick ass each and every day.  

So all kidding aside being an adult is rough at times.  You might think people around you have it more together or are a better adult than you.  Truth is we are all figuring our way through this crazy thing called life.  Don't beat yourself up and instead realize all the temptations you resisted, the negative thoughts you overcame and the great accomplishments you had, even the small ones.  Give yourself a pat on the back because..... YOU ROCK!!!

Life: Embrace Your Journey and Allow Others Their Own

We each see the world through different eyes.  Our thoughts, experiences and circumstances shape how a situation, person or object looks or feels to us.  At times it is hard to grasp someones feelings, why they act a certain way or make specific choices. 

We often look in and want to provide advice, guidance or solutions. These attempts are usually made out of love, caring and a desire to fix what is viewed as not right; however, we must remember their journey is not ours to shape.

We must find our own answers, path and strength.  I am guilty of providing unsolicited advice and guidance instead of acceptance and support.  I am sure everyone at some point has done the same.  I want to make a more conscious effort to consider what the situation and person needs from me.  

Sometimes we just need people to accept us for who we are and provide loving support without judgement.  It certainly sounds like an easy enough thing to do; however, many of us have lost sight of it.  Too many times people want to convince others to believe their views while turning a deaf ear to the reasoning and needs of the person.  What makes our way of thinking so justified that we have the right to say it is the only true way?  How can we have all the right answers to someone else's situation?

We each have a journey we are traveling.  We aren't going to do it without some mistakes, miscalculations and changes of course. However, that is all part of our path and it is ours to pave. 

My journey is littered with laughter, tears, heartache and joy.  Each of these is part of the beauty to which my life is made.  It has some lows, some highs and everything in between.  As a dear friend once said; you sometimes need the bad times to really appreciate the good ones.  

I can promise my friends, family, children and myself that my life up till now and in the future isn't perfect.  I won't always look at things in the best possible way, my attitude will suck at times, I will have strong emotions of love, hate, sadness and maybe even react to things in a way you don't feel is appropriate.   I know you won't always understand, and I am OK with that.  I just want to be 100% perfectly imperfect me!

Sometimes Being an Adult Just Sucks!

Not too long ago I wrote about my awesome new perspective on the crap that life throws at me. Unfortunately, it appears there might be a limit to what I can take without self combustion.  I sort of felt it building as medical bills started to arrive, the car needed a new tire and the blood thinner side effects got a little more annoying.  However, I brushed each off as just another bump that is out of my control.  My thoughts were I can't change it, it could be worse, etc...

Today was the straw that broke the camels back, as the saying goes.  The mail brought two pieces that just sent me over the edge.  I screamed, cried and even broke a dish.  I tend to blame myself when these unforeseen, unwelcome expenses arrive.  As someone that is my own worst enemy, I somehow turn the situation around to be related to a failure of my attempt to properly do this being an adult thing.  I beat myself up thinking that I must not be strong enough or financially responsible. 

Of course I understand none of this is the healthy way to deal with these unforeseen circumstances, but I feel complete disclosure of my faults is a way to move beyond some of these behaviors.  I had a temper tantrum of sorts.  

What have I learned from this experience?  That even though it seems silly, counterproductive and childish sometimes we need to just let it out.  However, remember that the situation will eventually look different as time passes and it could always be so much worse.  The truth is, that at the end of the day we are amazingly blessed with what we have been given.  It is easy to sometimes lose sight of that and it is OK for that to happen.  No reason to beat yourself up for these moments but instead get it out and move beyond them.  

Tonight I cried like a baby, had a serious pity party and then talked it all out.  The fact is that life will throw you the unexpected and most of it is out of your full control.  If it feels like something you want to cry about, do it.  If you need to scream, find a way to let it out.  However, give the tantrum its place and move forward.  

I don't understand or have this whole thing figured out.  However, I am glad to have friends and family that listen, comfort and support me through these moments.  

So maybe the trick is not exactly in your perspective or how well you handle those things to which you have little control.  Instead it is about expressing the needed emotions and finding those around you that will support you during and after.  

The Future I Hope For

This started as a simple text to a friend about some of my recent thoughts; however it kept building into more and more thoughts.  And then it grew into a blog entry.These are just my ramblings about what I see in the world and my hope to raise two members of the next generation to live with different intentions.

I have been thinking a lot about life, what the role of society is and how things impact us. It has left me wondering how I want to raise my kids so they may live with true happiness and as a positive force in the universe.  It is a lot to think about.

I don't feel that true happiness comes from a job, wealth or material possessions.  I have been blessed to realize early in life that my true bliss comes from those I share my life with and the experiences that I have.

I have witnessed people striving for more, working their days away to obtain a promotion, boss' approval, etc.. They miss important events with their children and time together with their families. It seems to be an imbalance in what truly matters.  I have seen it play out in life that work will go on without you. Although it is important to work hard and do your best, it should not surpass those you love or life experiences with its importance.  In the end, it is just a job.  Do your best but allow it only the time it deserves.

I don't believe in conspiracy theories or crazy paranoia fueled by fear; however, I do think there is some truth in the fact that we have trapped ourselves with money, jobs, etc..  Too many people live to work and allow the perceived expectations of society or others dictate their actions.

I don't believe it is feasible to change the masses or even provide enlightenment to everyone I know. However, I do hope to raise my children to realize that a work/life balance is a must.  I want them to take the opportunity while they are young to wander, explore and embrace the world.  I feel strongly in giving them experiences and not material things.  My success as a parent will be measured not by the job they obtain or their starting salary.  It will be determined by the way they experience the world, treat others and live their lives.

I hope to raise them to love nature, embrace the energy of every living being, be kind, generous and caring to all that they meet and live life fully with great happiness.   The world is certainly not perfect, but it is better for good people to spread positive energy and hope then to hide in fear or despair.  I am hopeful that both of my kids will be a positive force in the world, even in the face of challenges and uncertainty.

Love Yourself

You aren't going to change overnight.  The 20 pounds you would like to lose isn't going to disappear just because you wish it away.  Nor will you change the shape of your eyes, the wrinkles that represent a life well lived or the extra skin your children so lovingly left after their births.




Every part of our imperfect bodies is beautiful and sacred.  Try to embrace, love and cherish the amazing body you possess.  It might not be what you envision as perfection, but it is perfectly you. Work each day to care for, nurture and treat your body well.  It is the only one you will be provided and the better you treat it the more efficiently it will work for you.

Try not to slip into negative self talk, compare your body to that of others or set unrealistic expectations for yourself.  Express gratitude for all the amazing things your body does each moment to provide you the ability to move, see/hear/taste things and experience life to the fullest.  Whether you are tall, short, a size 2 or 22 you are perfectly you.  Each of us is amazingly unique and beautiful.  Don't let anyone or even yourself tell you otherwise.  

A New Perspective

Life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs.  The ride can at times feel exhilarating and full of promise.  At other times it feels like it is one bump after another.  The fact is that life is going to be unpredictable.  The key to living the best life I can appears to be located in how I deal with these situations that life throws at me.

I am the first to admit that my coping skills have been lacking from time to time.  Instead of taking to heart the Serenity Prayer, I have stressed, fussed, moped and been generally unhappy when things weren't perfect.  Oftentimes I would be on edge and argue about surprise expenses, consider myself cursed when medical conditions arose and stress over unfinished work. I am working hard to change my focus and approach life with a new strategy.

The events of the last two weeks have meant new debt, a maxed out medical flexible spending account and the recurrence of a medical condition that I never expected to face again.  Typically, this would have sent me into a corner to cry. lick my wounds and attack anyone that came near.  However, my reaction to all of this has been very different.

I am not sure what to credit my new found attitude on, but it is welcome to stay forever.  With each of the six challenges that was placed in my path; I inspected it, determined what areas I could impact and moved forward with a plan.  It was from a logical and rational part of my mind that I moved through these events and not the typical overly emotional side.

I have certainly had my bad moments, but they have been short lived and not a place from which I made decisions or judged the overall situation.  I believe that being angry about a situation, sad about a struggle or upset over an outcome is perfectly normal.  We each need that time to get it out; however, it can't be the place where we remain.

It also helps to put everything in perspective.  Life is not going to be perfect all the time and we all have our struggles.  However, to be alive and well is truly an amazing blessing.  I hope to waste less of my time wishing things were different and more of it formulating a plan to live the best life I can.

It feels refreshing to look at challenges and struggles in a new way.  I look forward to finding new ways to approach life that will challenge me to think differently.