Things Just Don't Feel Right

Over the last 10-14 days it has really been a struggle to get myself to exercise and eat right.  I feel sort of like I am hanging on to the edge and barely have a grasp of this lifestyle that has defined me for so long.  It is a little scary to feel this close to losing the mindset that I became so accustomed to over the years.

I have searched to find the answer to what may have caused this change and where I might be able to find the me that makes all this so much easier.  Sure there have been some changes in my life, but it is nothing that warrants such a drastic transformation in my thinking, priorities and motivation.  To be honest there is part of me that worries I may have lost some or all of this person that juggles all life throws my way and remains focused on my health.  However, maybe she just needs a much needed rest and will return with new force soon.  

For now, I am left feeling lost. Exercise has been something I craved, a priority, a constant through all the craziness over the years and now I find I barely want to do it.  This just does not feel right at all.  Maybe that is a good sign because I don't want to it to become normal to me.  I just hope this is a temporary feeling.

With all that is going on I have decided to take a little break later this week.  I am hoping that with time off work I will be able to relax and rejuvenate.  I wish to return to a more centered place.  Life has been busy lately and that has not left much time to recharge.  I need a break, and I hope this proves to be exactly that.  May I return next week with a new outlook, motivation and determination. And if that is asking too much, I will just take three days of time without commitments and work.

Here's to next time I am here being about making that u-turn and returning to the me I have grown very fond of over the years.  She is one determined lady that takes to the gym with purpose and focus.  She remembers the fat years and fights to never return there.  She works hard to be healthy, tries to provide a great example to her kids and family of what can be done with a little determination and loves the feeling that is obtained from a really good workout.  She has goals that are still out there to be attained and can't let a little setback or some changes take her off track.  There is still work to be done.

Wishing Time Away

Sometimes I feel like I spend my days, weeks, etc wishing for time to speed up.  When the days feel long, busy and stressful I find myself wishing for 5 o'clock.  When the week has me feeling a little beaten up I find myself wishing for Friday to hurry up and get here.  I want to find ways to look at life a bit different because I hate feeling like I am wishing for hours of my life to pass.  I know how truly precious these moments are, and I want to cherish them more.    

I am lucky to work for my company, and I feel fortunate for all the people I get to meet and help. I can certainly get overwhelmingly busy and begin to feel stressed about work, but I have tried to keep a healthier outlook on this lately.  I get help when needed and realize that I can't do it all.  It is not healthy for me to try to do it all, and there is really no need for me to take all that on by myself.  My work/life balance is so much better than it was in the past.  

I take my job seriously and take great pride in doing the best job I can.  However, I try to leave work there, and take the time I need with my family.  They are truly the most important things in my life and the reason I work hard.  I want to give them great memories of time together, and a good example of a life that is truly balanced between responsibilities to a job and a family.  May they grow up to truly value this as a necessary part of life.  

Sometimes It's So Hard

Over the last few years exercise has been a routine part of my life.  There was never much question about whether I was going to do it and more about when it was going to fit into my day.  I have planned ahead each night by packing my workout clothes and mentally preparing for what my gym time would entail.  I have longed for the time spent lifting weights or a nice long cardio workout.  It is definitely something I have grown to love.  However, lately something has just not been right, and there has been a need to talk myself into going to the gym.  That has definitely not been normal for me.

When I feel great the workouts happen easily and without much thought.  However, lately something is just not right with me.  These weird headaches that come on fast and leave me exhausted have plagued my week, and I don't know how to describe it other than my body is just not in the right balance.  Therefore, I struggle to get myself to the gym, and the workouts have lost that zest they once had.  I know this will pass and the motivation will return.  It is just a matter of making it through this rough patch.

The difference between this me and the person I was 5 years ago is showing up even when it is not easy, convenient or there is no motivation to do it.  That seems to be the key to success on this journey.  You can't let excuses and the lack of perfect conditions keep you from the commitment to yourself.  Right now I may not be able to push myself as hard, but I won't give up.

I look forward to getting the excitement for my workouts back and regaining the focus I usually have for it.  In the meantime, I will keep myself accountable to my goals and get it done.

A Very Difficult Loss

Many in the community where I live are mourning the loss of a very special woman.  Although I never met her, Owen has attended school and been friends with her oldest son for the past few years. We also had a few friends in common, and I am truly heartbroken for their loss.

It never seems fair when someone so young is taken from their family, their children and our world. It is hard to make sense of why things like this happen.  The outpouring of support, love, prayers and caring sentiments are proof of the type of person she was, and I know she will be truly missed by many.

When I first learned of her passing it hurt somewhere deep inside. Even though I did not know her I felt overwhelming sadness for the loss her children, friends and family will experience.  As a mother of a son the same age it was hard not to imagine Owen growing up without me, and my not being able to see him through the years.  I continue to shed tears for what seems like a life taken too soon.

Owen took the news hard that a friend and classmate had lost his mother.  He came up with ways he could take his feelings of sadness and do something positive for his friend.  He made a card, and we have created a special prayer time each night for his friends family. Additionally, we remember in the prayer the two that died in the car accident, his friends mother and the other driver.  I am very humbled by the ways my son has chosen to face this situation.  I am proud of the sensitivity and caring that I have seen from him, and I hope these traits remain with him as he grows up.

As the days pass we will keep their family in our thoughts and prayers.  We never know when our own time will be over; therefore, it is important to spread love and care to all those around us.  Don't get caught up in work, stressing over small things and wasting time.  Every moment and life is precious.  Celebrate life as much as you can and remember those that are going through a rough patch because we all need the thoughts and prayers of another at times.

Please keep these two little boys, their family and friends in your thoughts and prayers for the weeks and months to come.  Loss is never easy.  However, there is an amazing power created by the energy of a group who are lifting others when it is hard for them to find the strength to do it on their own. May this energy be felt by those impacted by this loss and help bring them comfort during this difficult time.

Control and Letting Go

I am a control freak, but that is not news to anyone that has known me for long.  Also, if it will take me longer to tell you to do something or show you how to do it, I am going to just do it myself. I oftentimes find myself stressed because someone is not doing things the way I feel it should be done. Instead of being grateful that the thing was taken from my to do list I sit stewing over the way it is being handled.  Yes, I realize how awful this is and that I can't control how others live or behave. However, I am not going to stop doing this overnight.  I am going to work toward releasing these things and slowly stepping back to focus on what needs me the most.  

Being married can be hard work at times and needing to control everything does not help.  Throw in two kids that you are trying to raise together and it can become downright overwhelming.  Kent and I aren't perfect nor do we have this marriage thing all figured out.  

We have worked together for years to try to do the best we can, but I very often took the reins and steered us where we needed to go.  Oftentimes this even extended to things that should have been Kent's to take charge of without my being involved.  Living with a man that has Aspergers can be challenging on many levels and being a fixer does not make it any simpler.  I want to change him and push him to be the person I know he can be.  However, I logically know that you can't change anyone that does not desire it or even realize there is something wrong.  I also realize, on some level, that the reality I see is not the same as someone with this syndrome.  Therefore, my energy spent on trying to fix him is unproductive, to say the least.

I often find myself frustrated with the fact that he does not jump in to help when I am obviously drowning in stress, but that is not something he can sense.   Even when I breakdown and express my feelings it is hard for him to understand what needs to be done.  Sure I can tell him exactly what I need, and he is always willing to follow the directive; however, this has become what I feel might be an unhealthy norm.  I have taken this role and become very used to it, but I feel it is time for a change.  I need to allow him to take the lead on some things and figure it out. This is much harder than it seems though.  

As I start to let go it feels refreshing, scary and a little sad.  I need to be free from the stress that I carry for feeling responsible for my husband, his productivity and happiness.  I will be there to help in any way I can, but I wish to no longer control this situation.  Sure I worry that he might make a mess of things or fail in his efforts; however, I must give up ownership of this.  Also, I must admit there this extends to plenty of other areas in my life too.  

As with anyone you love, it is hard to let go when you fear they won't find their way or maybe their path is not exactly what you had in mind (oops that was the control freak talking).  However, sometimes exactly what they need is just that.  Keeping myself from stepping in and just doing will be very difficult, but I know it is what needs to be done.  I hope to see the other side of this with a new view and less need to control.

This all might seem silly, but we all struggle in some area.  Maybe it is simple things like overeating, stressing over the little things, not taking time with the kids, losing track of time or something major like an addiction, failing marriage or abuse.  It can seem easier at times to ignore what so obviously needs to change because we have become accustomed to it, dealt with it for too long or just seems like too much hassle to work on. I realize that facing those things can be difficult or feel impossible but to truly grow they need to be dealt with head on.   We can't always do these things alone, but with time, patience and support we all have the ability to conquer whatever it is.  

I hope you find the courage to face whatever it is, reach out to someone if it can't be faced alone and take that first step toward change.  

Sometimes the things we hold onto the tightest 

are the things we need to let go of the most.  

Time For Me

As a mother of two, wife and full time employee I sometimes forget about myself.  Yes I definitely remain focused on my workouts and try to not miss them; however, even that can start to feel like a chore in the long list of things that require my attention or time.

There are days where work takes all I feel like I have but upon arriving home it is apparent that my day is no where close to over.  I am grateful for the two amazing kids that require my attention in the evenings but sometimes it is hard to have the energy they deserve after a long day.  I feel like an awful mother, but the truth is that sometimes we can't do it all.

Therefore, today I am taking time to refocus, recharge and refresh myself.  Today is a PTO day that is not for a trip or the kids day off school.  Instead it is a day for me.  Things have been rough with work being so busy, kids activities at night and lots of financial stress.  I need a day to return to a place of balance.  That is my hope for today.

I have a vision for the path I want to take from here and it all goes back to a prayer that I remember hanging in my grandmothers house as a child.  I know you have all seen it, but we all could use a reminder of its meaning and the benefit it can have in our lives.  Today may you find it helpful for the struggles you face.

The Pain I Crave

If I told you that I love the feeling of barely being able to walk two days after a grueling leg workout, would you think I am crazy?  What about loving when I am sore all over after a week of rough strength training?  Well, I most definitely adore these feelings and find that I often crave them.

I love workouts that push me and seem unbearable to complete.  You can't really change without hard work, and the feeling after completion of these workouts is amazing.  I highly recommend pushing yourself hard and realizing the power you never knew you had.

People have said that I am crazy or trying to kill myself with these workouts; however, we all have that thing we love that some people don't understand.  I thrive on finding those routines that push me. I measure the success of my time in the gym in the two days following and whether I can move without pain.  It is a true representation of the changes taking place within my muscles and a hope for a stronger, healthier me.

Whatever your thing is get out there and do it.