Being married can be hard work at times and needing to control everything does not help. Throw in two kids that you are trying to raise together and it can become downright overwhelming. Kent and I aren't perfect nor do we have this marriage thing all figured out.
We have worked together for years to try to do the best we can, but I very often took the reins and steered us where we needed to go. Oftentimes this even extended to things that should have been Kent's to take charge of without my being involved. Living with a man that has Aspergers can be challenging on many levels and being a fixer does not make it any simpler. I want to change him and push him to be the person I know he can be. However, I logically know that you can't change anyone that does not desire it or even realize there is something wrong. I also realize, on some level, that the reality I see is not the same as someone with this syndrome. Therefore, my energy spent on trying to fix him is unproductive, to say the least.
I often find myself frustrated with the fact that he does not jump in to help when I am obviously drowning in stress, but that is not something he can sense. Even when I breakdown and express my feelings it is hard for him to understand what needs to be done. Sure I can tell him exactly what I need, and he is always willing to follow the directive; however, this has become what I feel might be an unhealthy norm. I have taken this role and become very used to it, but I feel it is time for a change. I need to allow him to take the lead on some things and figure it out. This is much harder than it seems though.
As I start to let go it feels refreshing, scary and a little sad. I need to be free from the stress that I carry for feeling responsible for my husband, his productivity and happiness. I will be there to help in any way I can, but I wish to no longer control this situation. Sure I worry that he might make a mess of things or fail in his efforts; however, I must give up ownership of this. Also, I must admit there this extends to plenty of other areas in my life too.
As with anyone you love, it is hard to let go when you fear they won't find their way or maybe their path is not exactly what you had in mind (oops that was the control freak talking). However, sometimes exactly what they need is just that. Keeping myself from stepping in and just doing will be very difficult, but I know it is what needs to be done. I hope to see the other side of this with a new view and less need to control.
This all might seem silly, but we all struggle in some area. Maybe it is simple things like overeating, stressing over the little things, not taking time with the kids, losing track of time or something major like an addiction, failing marriage or abuse. It can seem easier at times to ignore what so obviously needs to change because we have become accustomed to it, dealt with it for too long or just seems like too much hassle to work on. I realize that facing those things can be difficult or feel impossible but to truly grow they need to be dealt with head on. We can't always do these things alone, but with time, patience and support we all have the ability to conquer whatever it is.
I hope you find the courage to face whatever it is, reach out to someone if it can't be faced alone and take that first step toward change.
Sometimes the things we hold onto the tightest
are the things we need to let go of the most.
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