The Struggle to Remain Hopeful

It is heartbreaking to see so many good people talking about how evil and terrible the world has become.  It can be difficult to see violence in the world and not be fearful.  The realization that a person can possess such strong hatred and disregard for human life is unbelievable.  It could make someone worry that evil is everywhere.  However, turning our backs on each other is not the answer.  Fear, anger and hatred are not the response either.  They only let the bad win and provide what it desires. 

I certainly struggle to remain steadfast in my beliefs when facing sadness, violence or the suffering of human beings in the world.  However, my energy remains strong and grounded in the existence of amazing good.  Allowing the fear and hatred entrance into my heart and that of others is only allowing evil a victory.  I refuse to contribute anything to make that more powerful.

The world is a picture with areas of dark and light.  Each day is filled with amazing beauty, laughter, sorrow, grief, joy, loss and new beginnings.  It is the mix that is ever present in life.  However, allowing the negativity to grow larger and cover the good diminishes the light and only creates more darkness.  

I choose to not let negative events or people depict my picture of the world or the human race. It is a choice that is not always easy to achieve. There are times I falter for a moment or two, but the light brings me back.  I hope to always realize and appreciate the beauty and power of the human spirit, even in the midst of horrible tragedy (personal or far reaching). 

My belief is that humans have the ability to come together for a much larger purpose than violence, hatred and greed.  There is a lot of good in the world, and I choose to help make that side bigger and stronger.  My part might be small: however, with each person that chooses to believe, focus and direct their energy toward the good, it grows ever larger. 

Fear, Anger and the Light That Shines

Sometimes it is hard to look out into the world because the picture is difficult to comprehend. How does another human have such extreme hate and disregard for human life? I feel anger when these individuals believe their statement is best heard by spreading fear and destroying the life/lives of innocent people. Attempting to make sense of such occurrences is futile.

In the aftermath the focus far too often falls on the horrific events, the party responsible and the violent retaliation.  However, there are powerful stories hidden within that are being missed. There are survivors that have a message to share, strangers reaching out in kindness to each other, individuals thousands of miles away weeping for someone they have never met and the bond formed across different cultures, countries and beliefs to stand together. Powerful healing messages reside here.  

This is not written to get into a political debate, religious discussion or a battle over what is right or wrong.  Instead it comes from a place that desires peace and acceptance.  It saddens me to see humans react with fear and only see the world for all the hate, anger and pain that exists.  I am not naive or viewing the world through rose colored glasses; however, I do choose to walk through life allowing fear no more than its necessary place and without holding onto anger.  There is far too much beauty in the world to allow negativity room in my soul.  

I realize it is hard to see the good when large injustices occur.  Also, I understand that having extreme separation from such situations makes it easier to say all these things. However, I have read writings from individuals directly impacted by events such as war, terrorist attacks and murder who spoke of amazing generosity, caring and opening of hearts with kindness for one another.  If we close ourselves to this side of life, doesn't the enemy win? 

At times when it seems that all the good has vanished into an impenetrable darkness; there is a light. As a person of hope I choose to acknowledge my fears, release my sadness and greet life with the goal to make a positive difference in the world.  

I don't believe it is realistic or healthy to ignore the evil; however, I will not allow it to overwhelm my being.  Fear has a place inside me, but I don't let it to cripple me, drive my decisions or behaviors. 

I can't and won't tell others how to feel about the pain, suffering and difficulties in their lives.  That is their journey to travel, but I wanted to share where my soul resides.  

It is with the light of goodness, peace, love and joy that I will stand.  There is amazing goodness in this world and by remembering that each day I am not choosing to forget those that are suffering but instead believing in the power of humanity to one day stand together for the good of all.  Some might say it is just a dream, but each moment holds the power of change.  Is there any harm in making sure my small impact on the world is a positive one?   

A Decade Without You

On this day a decade ago I stood on a threshold in life that I was not ready to cross.  Life will at times put things in our path that seem impossible to understand or heal from; however, we move beyond and survive.  Things definitely look and feel different on the other side.

When I sit and really let the thought settle that he has been gone for a quarter of my life it seems impossible.  I still weep at the remembrance of walking into the hospital room 10 years ago to the realization that he was going to leave us.  It was by far the most difficult thing I had faced in my 29 years of life.  From time to time the pain and sadness return.  I don't try to fight it as I feel it is just as necessary as the happy feelings of rememberance.  I try to feel what comes and release it back into the energy of the world.  I imagine myself wrapped in your love and that of the universe to which we share.  

Although I have lots of difficult memories of that day, I also saw the amazing beauty in sharing our lives with others. My siblings and family were my rock that day.  I can't imagine having faced it without them and feel that my love for them has grown.  Another lasting impression was left by nurses that passed briefly during this powerful moment in my life.  The amazing gift that a good nurse provides in these moments is something that can't be measured.  I have a very vivid memory of one of the nurses from the final day of my dad's life.  He was truly an angel.  The energy of those around us is powerful.


One of the bittersweet memories of that day was the final moments of my father's life.  I guess if you have to pick a good way to die we did our best to achieve it.  As we knew the end was coming we all gathered around the bed, the room was full of love, and we all sang.  I believe some nurses and possibly the hospital chaplain was even included in this occasion.  Each time I hear Amazing Grace and Kumbaya My Lord I am filled with some really strong emotions, as those were the last sounds my father heard.  The amazing power that we created in that moment was awe inspiring.  It was filled with love and energy.  We were fortunate to be able to be all together at that moment.

Life is an amazing journey and one that I would not desire to change.  Although it seemed unfair to lose my father, I realize everything happens as it should.  Embracing the pain is just as important as celebrating the joy.  It is all part of this crazy ride.

Dad- The feelings rush in strong at times and overwhelm my soul.  I ache for one more moment to tell you all the things I have wanted to say and to share all the life moments that you have missed.  Your spirit lives on within those that you loved so deeply.  I see you in myself, my siblings and our children. Although these moments seem to be filled with sadness, I am often overwhelmed with love and joy with a memory of you. I am blessed to be your daughter, and I will forever hold you near.

Let me Tell You a Story....

The individual stories that we have to share are not ones that we tell friends at a party or share over a cup of coffee.  The tales to which I refer are those that we witness in another persons life through our time together on this journey.  However, we sometimes miss the most important parts because we cloud it with judgement, assumptions and biases.

Try to stop and really soak in the magical plots that form through everyday living. If you open yourself to listening without your minds filters, you can witness some amazing journeys.

Every life has its own set of joys, sadness, hardship, celebrations and beauty.  They each have amazing lessons hidden in their happenings or the way in which the person confronts the occurrences in their life. Try not to be so wrapped up in your own story that you forget about the beautiful ones that are taking place all around us.

Whether a story is filled with adventure and living on the edge or working, taking care of house and family each has a value no different than the other.  If you open yourself to listen to their tale, the miracles of them all can be realized.

I am truly blessed to have a variety of people in my life that allow me to share their journey with them.  I have realized the value of friendship without judgement, bias and conditions.  I find it is a safe environment to share thoughts, feelings, hopes and fears.  It is a place where I feel truly honored to have traveled with others.  For there holds the magic, mystery and true excitement of their journey.
When you accept a person to share their stories without fear of rejection, judging and gossip you get to know them on a whole different level.  It provides the ability to support them, help them realize the beauty in their journey and celebrate it.

May you share your story with someone and listen closely to hear theirs.  It might not be heard from their lips but instead be laid out in front of you over days, weeks or years.  Be there to help them realize it, share it and rejoice in it.  

Each Day is a Gift! Wake, Rejoice and be Present for it!

We hold onto the past, we worry about the future and often forget to enjoy this very moment.  To be present in life is a focus and rejoice in the now.  We can’t change the past and the future is not promised; however, this instant is truly a gift to be cherished.

Often I speed along time with our children because we are running late.  I distract myself from the now with electronic devices, news, social media and TV.  I know the same is true for friends and family.  I am no less guilty than another for wasting valuable, irreplaceable time living in the present before it becomes the past.  However, I am starting now to work on this. 

I have printed some quotes to keep myself mindful of my mission.  I am going to make a bracelet to wear that will remind me of this journey.  I have started practicing meditation again.  I know it is not for everyone, but it changes my outlook, my attitude and my whole life.  

Children live by the example we set as parents, and I am worried about the one that I often find myself living.  I want to take the extra time, even when it does not seem available, to spend listening to their stories.  I want them to realize that they are more important than the news, a TV show, the next item on my list.  I want to forget about the to do list and soak in the present moments with family, friends, etc…

I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and I want to start celebrating this in a more deliberate way.  If you would like to join me by taking your own journey into mindfulness, please let me know how I can help.  I am happy to share helpful quotes, tips and bracelets to help you remember that the present is where the magic in life resides. 

Don’t be too caught up in what happened yesterday or might be coming tomorrow.  Rejoice in the present and celebrate the miracle it holds. 

The Struggle is Real

I often find there is an ongoing battle in my own head.  Whether it is feeling like I can't run even a foot further, do one more burpee or the workout is getting too hard and I need to stop.  I blame my body for these moments, but I realize that the majority of the time, if not all of the time, it is my mind that stops me first.

I have read a few things about self talk and the power it has over our success and failure.  It is truly annoying and mind blowing how much we hold ourselves back from doing because our minds tell us it is not possible or we won't be successful.

Many times during our training Cate will say that she can't keep going.  I find myself saying to her exactly what I need to take to heart myself.  The more you tell yourself you can't do something the more likely you are not going to be able to do it.  Of course I let her take breaks, but I do push her a little to make sure she realizes the potential she has when it seems like she can't do more.  However, I would never push her too far.  I want her to learn early on that her potential is endless, as long as she keeps going, trying and not allowing herself to give up too soon.

My mind bounces between believing I can do it all when faced with a challenge or a lot of negative self talk about how I can't do or handle any of it.  Both extremes can even happen in the exact same situation.  How can I get myself to go from the king of the world to a quitter?  I can't find that answer in my physical abilities, but instead in my thinking.

I am looking for ways to improve in this area, and I think that working with Cate is helping.  As a parent I often feel that I can't expect something from them, if I am not going to set the example of that behavior.  This transfers into so many other topics, but I won't bore everyone with my parenting trials.

So the next time you think about stopping before your task is complete or falling short of your goal make sure you aren't letting your mind talk you out of it.  Don't let your self talk make you stop short of the finish line. You have it in yourself to do it, everyone else will agree and support you.  However, if you don't believe it yourself, no one else can make it happen.

I am Drowning!!

No this post is not about drowning in work, stress or the massive amount of rain we keep getting here.  This is a lighthearted entry about a change that I made this week.  It is a very important one that I have found can impact my success with any weight loss goal.  I am trying to drink over 100 ounces of fluid a day.

While I am sitting at work this is not too difficult to accomplish because I sit at a desk, I am close to a bathroom, and my 33oz water bottle is right by my side.  However, when I am at home or on the weekends it becomes something I have to consciously think about.  So I try to think of ways to get more fluids when at home.  I love tea and found that making a pitcher of unsweetened tea really helps.  With my husband it is the flavored water.  Just have to find what works best for you and go with it.

If you want to read about daily water/fluid intake recommendations, this is a good article on it.  http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/water/art-20044256    

The Need to Plan

I have found lately that I am not doing well with planning my workouts.  I head to the gym, sometimes very reluctantly, without much of a guide for my time there.  But this has got to change or I risk losing this routine all together.  Therefore, I have started to reach out to trainers and friends for some guidance and advice.

As many of you know, I am pretty stubborn so I don't always take the first answer if I don't particularly like it.  I keep searching for someone to tell me what I want to hear, but I often realize that it won't happen.  I must begin to realize that what I want is not necessarily what I need.

Today I received confirmation that this phase of the journey is going to take some changes that I don't really want to make.  Of course progress is not usually made doing the things you always do.  If that were the case, the need for the change would be non-existent.  I guess this is the part of change that is so difficult, especially for a control freak with OCD.

I need to revamp my workout plans and continue to tweak my nutrition.  I received some great insight that highlighted areas in both that might not be in line for my current weight loss goals.  Therefore, I am going to start this phase with some planning.

I think the changes will be better made quickly, but without some plans laid out I don't feel confident that I will stick with it.  So I set out with an open mind, but realize that I can reach out for guidance along this path.

Here is to a new perspective and changes that take me closer to my goal.  It won't be easy, but I can guarantee it will be worth it.

What You Really Need....

Throughout the day I kept putting off my lunchtime visit to the gym; however, I finally made it.  I must admit that I was less than enthusiastic with my time there and I was glad when it was over.  The normal drive beyond my workouts was not there, and another one was on the books for tonight.  

As my workday came to an end I found myself in a very irritated mood, but I knew that walking home from the office typically cured most of that.  This is the time I transition from work to home and release any stress I have from the day.  Unfortunately, today was an exception and the mood sort of worsened.  

I arrived home to a mess of school papers, no preparation on dinner and no one ready for the commitments of the evening.  This further aggravated me, and I thought about just putting off tonight's Couch to 5K training and all other commitments.  I was going to wallow in the nastiness that I was feeling.  However, after getting some food into my son and getting him off to scouts I was starting to feel a little bit better.  Cate and I started to talk about things we could do, and she was eager to get out of the house.  I tried hard to say we were too busy or I needed to do things around the house.  However, in the end I said OK.  

Shortly thereafter Cate and I headed out for the evening workout which I had been dreading and trying hard not to make happen.  The more we moved the better I felt and soon I was actually enjoying it.  

As usual, it proved to be exactly what I needed.  It even began to rain during parts of it and it was a welcome addition.  We had some great conversations and really enjoyed our time together.  So something I almost put off completely ended up being one of the best parts of my whole day.  I am beginning to really love this time with my girl.

As I reflect on my mood today and realize what a difference has been made in just a few hours, I am reminded that I have never once had regret about a workout that I completed.  Oftentimes it is exactly what I need when it seems to be the last thing I want to do.  Cate and I both agreed that this training was the best way to end our day.  She was even hopeful for rain the next time we train.  She reminds me of someone I know.  :)

Reflection and Sources of Inspiration

As week one of refocusing on my eating comes to a close I have had many reasons to rejoice.  It has been relatively easy to adjust back to eating better, exercising daily and tracking my food.  Also, Cate and I have continued on the Couch to 5K program with success.

Doing a 5K training was an idea I had to spend time with Cate and help her begin to enjoy exercise. Each day when I tell her it is time for training she eagerly changes and heads out.  There were a few moments that she had to push hard to complete the run portion of the training, but she pulled through every time.

Cate definitely provides a lot of inspiration to me not only through my desire to help her battle against weight gain but also her ability to push herself to achieve a goal.  I am very proud of her for accomplishing through week 3, and I look forward to sharing the rest of the program with her.  I can't wait to see her complete the first 5K race in 5-6 weeks, and I hope this is just the beginning of a very active life for her.

This week has not brought the weight loss I would have liked to see; however, that is going to take a lot of patience, time and persistence.  I will look ahead to next week and take it one day at a time.

Here is to another week of reasons to celebrate the small things that have a large impact on some of life's greatest accomplishments.  Remember that successes are often built through many small steps, challenges are not conquered overnight but with stages of battle, and change does not come easily. You need to take the first step and then just keep moving forward.  It won't always be easy, but celebrate the successes and learn from the rest.  It is all within your reach, but not without some hard work.

Just Letting it Happen

I started this blog a few months ago, and I am finally finishing it now.  As I read over what I had written I realize there was a purpose this was saved half written for me to find now.  I have a very solid belief that things are presented to us when we most need them, and this unpublished blog entry was definitely one of them.

My life over the last 6 weeks has been hectic, and I have been going full speed ahead without much thought.  I moved along handling each moment and conforming to whatever was needed at the time. Now as my life settles a bit I realize the amazing power of just letting life happen.  So below is the blog I started on this exact subject right before our lives got a little crazy.
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I am fortunate to be able to interact with many different types of people through my work.  I often meet with members that are in the later years of their life, and I truly enjoy listening to their life stories.  Many of them share tidbits of advice, favorite philosophies or memories with me.

This week, in late July, was filled with a few characters. I must admit that some of them I would rather not remember; however, this adorable 80 something year old man is one that left a lasting impression.

Early in our conversation he said "Life is amazing, if you just let it happen." This same phrase was presented a few other times during our meeting.  Each time is appeared was a moment when he was stopping himself from saying something negative, worrying about a future outcome or when remembering a bad past experience. Although I don't know the exact meaning to him, it definitely rang true with so many things for me.

Life is an amazing journey, and we can live it trying to control every moment, action or detail. We can constantly worry about doing the right thing, making the best decision or stressing about the next outcome.  Wasting time on something that has already occurred or is outside of our control is truly useless.  Spending these moments on ways to best adjust, heal or forgive is much more useful.

I have also learned that most of the things we can spend hours worrying about don't always have a large impact on what becomes the future reality.  Instead it is time wasted on not letting life happen. The magical times in my life can definitely be characterized as the moments where I just went with it. It was not about what other people would think, whether I was doing the right thing or the outcome. It was about living in the moment.

Try to spend some time just letting life happen and discover the wonders that it holds.  This is an amazing journey, and we each could use a little more time just enjoying the ride.
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As a reread this post I began to think back on the moments of the last few weeks.  We experienced some losses, new additions and changes to our lives.  These were stressful times and there were moments when that showed. However, times with the most impact were when I let go and let life happen.  It was magical to be present in moments which I allowed to occur without the need to control or change them.

One Day at a Time

Today was a good start and it feels great.  I love when it all falls into place, dinner is prepared when I arrive home, workouts were easily fit into the schedule and very little thought is required to make it all happen.  These days make the process seem so simple.

However the real test comes on the hard days.  The ones where work has been stressful, there is more housework than time and dinner seems like an impossible task to complete.  Those are the moments that test my resolve.  I know they will come, but for now I will celebrate this positive day and look to tomorrow.

This process is most easily taken one day at a time. Like most changes the big picture is too large for daily focus.  Therefore, at the end of each day celebrate the good,  learn, grow and look to tomorrow. Everyday is a new opportunity.

Loss and New Additions

There is something unique and different about animal lovers.  We often shy away from movies not because they are horror flicks but due to an animal dying.  I remember reading books as a child and hating them when the dog died.   And I still won't watch a film that involves a dog dying.  

I am very grateful that I was born into a family that honored the relationship between pet and owner.  This naturally resulted in my becoming a dog lover, and I see the same relationship between my children and the animals that we have had in our home.  There is a very special bond that develops between animals and owners.

I will be the first to admit that animals take time out of your life, they take money for food and vet expenses and you often have to adjust life to some of their needs.  However, I can confidently say that they are worth all that and much more.  I have been repaid for every expense through their outpouring of unconditional love.

 With the passing of Max I was reminded of the role a dog plays in my life and the way I am raising my children.  When I learned of Max’s death it was an awful sadness and some regret that I was not there with him when it happened.  He had spent the majority of his life providing unconditional love to me, and I left him during a time he was suffering.  I still fill with sadness at this thought, but I am comforted that he was with my brother's family and loved.

It was a hard decision whether to wait or get another dog quickly.  The kids wanted to do it soon, and the empty house made my sadness grow.  Therefore, we began the search to adopt a new furry child.  The kids decided it was best to ask Max to bring the right dog for our family into our lives.  Shortly after that they began the search, and it was not long until they found the one.

Kent and the kids said it was love at first sight and an instant bond.  They knew at that moment that our dog had been found, and the next day she came home.  It has been a little over four weeks since we adopted Nellie, but she has become a very special member of the family.  Her presence has not replaced the sorrow we still hold for losing our beloved Max, but it has helped us begin to heal.

Each pet has held a very special place in my heart.  Each time I have lost one has been an awful pain, but I would feel it over and over again, because the joy brought into my life by them is more than worth it.  I am truly blessed that I am able to share my life and my house with an animal.  We love, learn and grow from their presence in our lives

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Time to Refocus

It has been a long time since I have really focused on my eating.  My exercise has allowed me to be very lenient with my diet and not gain any weight recently; however, I never took off the 20 pounds I gained in the winter.  Therefore, I decided it is time to refocus and set a goal.  With my 40th birthday arriving in 37 weeks it seemed like a great time to start.  My goal is to lose 50 pounds before June 7th.  Wow, did I really just say that?

Putting that in writing is a little scary, but this feeling is very familiar.  When this journey first began 7 years ago I was scared of failing, unsure of my ability to conquer this lifelong struggle with weight and worried about falling back into old ways.  However, I discovered strength I did not realize I had, fought against a voice that was hard to ignore and won a battle that seemed impossible at first sight.

Even though the goal this time is much smaller, the task seems just as massive.  My success before was not a result of me alone, and I will look to the same support system once again.  My friends and family are amazing. I know they will be there to celebrate the successes or remind me that the bad days will happen but don't mean failure.

It has been a nice break, but it is time to finish this final stretch that I have battled with for the last five years. This weight has come off and back on a few times, but I am ready to say goodbye for good.

Tomorrow is a new day.  If there is a change that needs to be made, there is no better time than now.  Wish me luck!  Oh yeah... It is not about luck...  It is about hard freaking work and taking it one day at a time.

Pushing Yourself and Growing

With my alarm set earlier than a normal weekday I set off to bed last night.  I was not looking forward to the workout I had planned for my morning or the time of day I was going to rise for it.  I thought of many reasons not to do it and options for skipping it.  Regardless, I drifted to sleep with these thoughts still swirling in my head.

When the phone alerted me that the morning had arrived and it was time to go I set off to the track. The plan was 20 laps and between each one I was going to perform burpees, squats, pushups and crunches.  I have to admit it was much harder than I envisioned, and there were times in the first mile that I thought about giving up.  However, I pushed ahead and completed most of the goal I set out to achieve.  Around 4 miles my knees were done, and I had to stop.  It was still a better workout than my normal Saturday routine, and I gained a lot from the experience.  

Sometimes people have told me that these workouts are extreme, unnecessary or just insane. The former version of me would have definitely thought I was nuts.  However, I learn and grow from each one.  

I feel humbled by these routines for their ability to represent how far I have come and how much further I can still grow in my physical abilities.  This body was sedentary for many, many years, and I have made some pretty impressive progress.  I also appreciate the abilities of others so much more when I read about things they have accomplished because I have experienced a piece of it first hand.  

Pushing myself is something that I have come to enjoy. It is that moment when I reach that edge and keep going that I grow.  I might not always accomplish what I set out to achieve, but I attempt things that some never even try. 

Sometimes the journey is not about where the destination lies. Instead it is about the trip and what is gained along the way.  

Imperfectly Perfect

I have come to realize that I don't have a clue as to what perfect is or even normal.  As humans we have certain things we have set in place to measure our friends, our lives, our success and ourselves. Some of us can get caught up comparing ourselves to others or measuring against this invisible standard we have created.  However, in truth we are imperfectly perfect and so are our lives.

I realize that life can feel like a mess at times.  We have bad days, we don't feel comfortable in our own skin or someone looks more perfect in life or body than we do.  Not only are these experiences as important to life as any others, but they should help us reflect on why we feel the way we do about the situation, ourselves or others.  Who set the standard that we are using as measurement?

I have learned that so much of the joy that comes from life is not always from the "perfect" moments. It is a magical blend of happiness, sadness, grief, joy, pain, excitement and exhilaration.  Just like the best recipes it would not be nearly as good with a missing ingredient.  Each item plays a very valuable part in the whole.  I have often said that sorrow means we have experienced joy.  Without one extreme it is impossible to have the other one.  I would not trade the amazing moments to be spared the ones of sadness.

If you find yourself in a moment that does not seem perfect, take a moment to pause and remember it is all part of the journey.  Each day we are given is an amazing gift.  

Memories and Thoughts of You

My mind often drifts off or is triggered to think of a person or special place.  This may even occur multiple times over days or weeks.  I can go for lengths of time where it seems there was not a single thought of someone and then suddenly the memories begin to flow into my consciousness.

I have felt there is much more to the connection between people we have shared a closeness with.  I wonder to what extent, if any, that continues after they are gone or just outside of our daily lives.  Is the existence of what seems like coincidental reminders of them just random or is there something more to the energy we all share?

You reach out to an old friend because the thought of them popped into your head.  Your message is received with the surprise reaction that they were thinking of you or needed to hear from my old friend.  Is it possible that we are connected and know when another needs our touch?

Then there are the times when we find ourselves remembering someone that was close to us who is no longer living.  This might be a reminder of the special things they helped contribute to your life, a funny moment or a certain place you shared with them.  It makes me wonder if that is their way of reminding us of their love and the happiness our lives gained from their presence. Even though these times can certainly bring mixed emotions of sadness, anger, grief and happiness, they should be cherished, as the connection shared with them was very special. In these moments I am reminded that to feel pain often means that you have felt excessive joy and love.

I am grateful for the connections I share with the other people in my life and the times thoughts of them flood my mind.  I cherish moments when I am compelled to reach out to an old friend and say hello. I love expressing my feelings to others and the gratitude I have for the ways they help to enhance my life experience.  We are each on a journey and without all those to which we share this path it would be much less joyful.

Whether our paths crossed for a moment or we shared years together my life has forever been changed because you were part of it.

I am Back!!

It feels so good to be where I am mentally on this journey.  This is a place I have been before, and often spend time wondering how to get myself back when it seems too far away.  It is that place where every little piece of the puzzle fits. My workouts come easily, the focus remains on the goals and it just feels right.  During these times it is almost impossible to understand how I ever lose this amazing mindset.

If there is one thing that has been consistent throughout, it would most definitely be the twists, turns, ups and downs of this journey.  I know there will be times that aren't this perfect, missed workouts and there might even be weeks when I steer completely off course.

We all have those times in life where it is just not going right.  Sure we could dwell on those moments and linger in that place; however, it is best to give ourselves some time and remain focused on the road ahead.  Looking back is not going to get us any closer, and dwelling on the past certainly won't change it.

So I will choose to love every moment of this stage and embrace the future moments that won't go quite as well. This journey is a much larger picture than I can see at any given moment, good or bad.

You never know what tomorrow is going to bring so make the best of today.

The Tools for Becoming a Stronger Healthier Me

Somewhere along this journey I started to get interested in strength training.  At first it was just to tone as I lost weight, but, it has turned into a desire to be strong, develop visible muscle mass and obtain gains in my routines.  I have grown to really love the feeling that comes from lifting weights and pushing myself through that last rep that seems impossible to complete.  There is a sense of pride felt when stepping up to a rack of weights and knowing what to do with them. 

My recent addition to this part of my routine has been a barbell, and I have to say that I love that 45lb piece of metal.  Sure it was a bit of a pain to get home from Charlotte, where I found it used, but it has been so worth it.  

Once it arrived, it was obvious that my makeshift garage workout area needed a face lift to make room for the new addition.  First, it needed a squat rack.  However, if you know me, you are fully aware that I am cheap and squat racks are not.  Therefore, I turned to the Internet for help and quickly found DIY solutions.  I am happy to report that my barbell happily sits on its new rack which can be used for squats and, at a lower level, chest press.  

I have had dumbbells, a weight bench and pull up bar for years, but this new addition has brought a whole new level of fitness to my home workouts.  Here is Friday's workout using my garage gym. My form is a work in progress, but it has come a long way.  

Just like my journey to lose weight the strength training is a slow process.  Even though it seems the weight came off easily it took the same consistency and determination this will require.  I have to show up to my workouts, do my very best and keep coming back.  Most things don't happen overnight and this is no exception.  I have two choices: sit here and allow my goals to get further ahead of me or get out there and take a step closer each day.  Just have to keep moving forward.

New Beginnings and Saying Goodbye

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Four years ago we made a decision to take a chance on an opportunity.  It would mean moving our family, starting new jobs in an unfamiliar place and leaving friends.  However, it also held opportunities for more time together, living in a beautiful place, meeting new people and being closer to my family.

As I look back, the details leading up to our move are kind of blurry; however, the people involved are crystal clear.  The times spent with my friends, the last days at work and the many going away events will always be held close to me heart.

The same is true for the new place we were to start calling home.  I don't remember all the details that at the time were probably reasons to stress.  What I do remember are the people.  The realtor that helped us with housing, the welcoming staff at the resort and the amazing preschool staff at Cate's new school.  This helps me remember that many details, even those that seem the most important, fade over the years, but the people that help in your transition will leave a lasting impact.

There is a friend, that was huge in my transition, who is making a big move next week.  Although I am really sad to see her leave, I know how much she wants this and for that I am happy.  She has been a bright spot in my work life for almost four years, and I will miss her terribly.  I hope some of the opportunities with friends before she leaves will help create lasting memories for her to take along on this move.  She will be missed by many of us, but we can't wait to see and hear all about her return back to her home state of Florida.  She has wanted it for a long time, and I am so happy she is finally able to do it.

Change is never easy.  Many times it holds mixed emotions and unknown outcomes.  These can often cause us to wait years for what feels like the right moment to finally make the leap.  Then there are moments where the change is so necessary that we jump blindly into the unknown and hope for the best.  Each of these directional changes in life have helped create the path that has led us to now. There will certainly be more changes in my life, and I hope to face each one with supportive and loving people by my side. It is the people that mean the most.

There Will be Days Like These

We are all going to have a mix of good and bad days throughout life.  There will be some days that require little effort and all the details fall into place.  Everyone at work is nice, easy to work with and appreciative.  At home the housework is enjoyable, the kids are compliant with all requests and energy levels fit the work that needs to be done.  You feel like a rock star, compliment yourself on how awesome you are and spend the evening relaxing in the joy of a day gone right. 

Then there are those days, yep you know them, where nothing seems to go the way it should.  You get out of bed and there is a dark cloud that follows every step.  People seem harder than usual to work with, every task requires unnecessary effort and annoyances surround you.  These can be hard to get through but they are just as needed as the simple ones.  

Rough times are an opportunity to grow, become stronger and learn new lessons.  Sure they don't feel good at the time, but many times we look back with the realization of what we have done and pride in the accomplishment.  Sometimes it is just the sheer shock that we made it through alive.  

As a teenager, I remember multiple occasions where I felt I was facing circumstances that would be unbearable.  One that I hold near and dear is when I learned I would be moving my junior year of high school.  I felt the pain and agony of facing a whole school of people I did not know and felt it would certainly mean the end of me.  The truth is I made it through.  Sure I skipped lunches sometimes to call my mom because I did not know who would accept me at their lunch table; however, I lived and grew through it.  

Then when faced with another move my senior year my outlook changed.  This time it was anger and my target was set on the party responsible for these acts of terror.  My goal was to be as awful as possible to them.  They were to be punished for this irrational uprooting during my teenage life.  I could not understand the obvious disregard for my life and feelings.  

Of course, like so many difficulties we face in life, I look back now with amazing gratitude for these occurrences.  If not for those two moves, many amazing things would not have happened in my life.  I also appreciate the circumstances my parents were given and the decisions they made for their family, even with a child that made every step as difficult as possible.  

We often don't appreciate the times of struggle until many years down the road.  I try to remember the times that things which appeared bad on the surface turned out to be opportunities to grow. It helps me limit the time I focus on bad things and take a slightly different perspective.  Often the crappy days or occurrences can't be controlled, but the amount of time we dwell on them is ours to own.  If you can't change it or it has already happened, then try to realize the lack of control you have over it, learn from it and move forward.  

We can't change the past and worrying about the future does no good.  Therefore, focus on what you can control which is this very moment.   If you make a mistake, move forward from it.  If you have a really rotten day, sleep and awake to a fresh day.  If you are mean to someone or treat them unfairly, apologize and show them you mean it.  

I am guilty of not focusing enough on others at times or being short tempered; therefore, I often try to focus on improving these things.  We are all going to have imperfect moments so allow them to happen but not linger any more than necessary.  Let them pass and move on. 

This moment is a culmination of all that has happened before it.  To wish one thing different has the possibility of impacting the reality of today in a negative way.  We don't know what each day holds, but we have control in the way we learn from it.  Sure awful things happen with what seems like no sensible reason; however, we must learn to heal, seek acceptance and grow from it.  Live life to the fullest and experience every moment to its fullest potential.

It is Your Journey....

I recently read something that made me stop and think about how we treat ourselves.  Many people, me included, have a lot to learn about what we envision for ourselves and our daily lives.  The reality of what we compare ourselves and our lives to is most likely very different than what we see or choose to see.  

I am always the first to admit that I don't have this life thing all figured out.  Some people appear on the surface to have it all in their corner, but often they are hurting, lost or long for something we don't see.  Most mothers have seen that one woman that is all put together, her children listen to every request and she handles every moment with grace and ease.  You might look at her, start to make comparisons and find yourself falling short.  But there is so much we don't see in the lives of others that make it truly fruitless to compare. 

Maybe it is that person in the gym that seems to complete every exercise with what looks to be little or no effort.  They lift the 60 lb dumbbell like it is 5 lb and squat to the floor.  You find yourself hiding in the corner afraid of showing what you feel is inferior ability.  Truth is you don't know their story, the path they have led to get there and what is possibly years of hard work they have endured.  

Many of us travel similar paths but cross at varying times on our journeys.  The appropriate human reaction is to greet others as our travels collide, encourage/celebrate/provide support, if requested, and move forward with focus on our own path.  Everyone has gifts, stories and experiences to share, but you have to quiet your own ego long enough to truly learn from what they have to teach us.  

Our lives are unique to us, our marriages are not the identical someone else, our children are a combination of genes and traits that no one else has.  Therefore, it is unfair to look to the outside for a picture of what we should expect to happen in our own lives.  In my experience, we are most often much better parents than we give ourselves credit for, have marriages that are stronger than we realize and have more blessings than we could ever count.  

Along the same lines, don't let someone else dictate how your life, marriage or family should function.  This is a personal determination made from within the core group and should not be open for others to judge.  If you aren't living in that house, then appreciate their right to make the decisions they feel are best for them.  If it is not effecting you, there is really no need for involvement. 

Last but not least, don't ever, ever, ever compare your material wealth to someone else's.  We each live our lives with different areas of focus.  Some are very career driven and give a lot of time and effort to work.  Many enjoy spending money on houses, cars, material possessions.  Then others trade career for more time with family, less income and less material things.  

Not one of these ways of living is 100% the right way to live your life.  It is a very personal decision that every family makes, and it should be respected by those on the outside.  It is equally as important to accept the choices you make for yourself/family and not compare where you are to others. Whether someone has more or less than you makes them no less of a person.  We all make choices that bring us to where we are and to what we have in life.  It in no way depletes or inflates our importance in the whole of life.  

Move forward on your path and don't allow your idea of what you should be doing come from the view of others or your view of what perfection looks like on the image of another.  This is your journey so live it to the fullest and celebrate the amazing beauty that it is.  

The Struggle to Find Routine Again

It has been almost four months since my last entry.  I could say that I have been too busy with packing, finding a new house, moving and getting settled.  However, the truth is the fat girl was in control.  In all seriousness, I was headed down a much too familiar path, and I knew that writing would mean facing that head on.  Blogging is often a way I work through my feelings, fears, barriers and find strength.  It also has a way of holding me accountable.  Instead of facing the truth of my actions, I turned to food for comfort and began to believe that I had justified reasons for skipping the gym.

It is frightening how easily I slipped out of the healthy patterns that I had created.  One bit of unexpected news, and I was full of excuses to pave the road to bad choices and behaviors.  It did not take much to return back to a mental state that has led to many unhealthy choices in my past.  Even though this visit lasted too long, now that I look back, I am happy to have returned to the right path.  Of course every trip comes with some extra baggage and this one was no different.  I am now the proud owner of a new 15 pounds I did not have last year. 

There is a fine balance in my life with allowing for needed time to rest and giving into a part of me that will say one more day or we will start again Monday.  Each time I told myself returning to the gym would come next week or one more day off wouldn't hurt, there was another voice that was sounding the alarm.  There was some weird comfort in knowing that part of me realized what was happening. 

 Now that I am returning to my routine the balance of power has shifted.  The fat girl, as I have lovingly called her in the past, inside of me is fighting hard but now the fighter (beast as some might call her) inside is getting louder again.  She is pushing me into that 3rd round of the interval routine when the fat girl is throwing out all the reasons to stop.  The fighter slept quietly for months with only a few reminders of her presence, but today she stands proud and ready to push harder.  

Of course I could beat myself up about those 3 months and the fact that I will be struggling to lose this weight for months; however, the truth is that it is done and moving forward is the only option. It would be silly to say there won't be times like this again; however, I hope the fighter wins out in the end.  

Life is lived best when pushing limits, expanding thoughts and gaining new strength.  My wish for each tomorrow is to wake stronger, live fuller and love deeper.  Change will not come overnight but each day is a small step forward or backward.  Take the time to remember the direction you are headed, learn from the slip ups and celebrate each individual day on this amazing journey.  

Life Can Certainly be Shitty at Times **Please Excuse my Language**

Life can definitely be depended upon to keep you on your toes.  Just when you get comfortable a curve ball is thrown, and you successfully dodge it or even better grow from the experience.  Then, all of a sudden, you find yourself with too many being thrown to avoid them.  But that one that hits the hardest is rough.  Today that happened to me.

Last week Kent and I started to talk about what we wanted from his part time job situation.  So we began to discuss how we would move forward on that front and had some great discussions.  He shared some things he would like to explore, and we started the first steps on that plan.  We talked about less time of night working and shifting things around a bit.  Well, his boss is not really on the same page which means some changes coming in that area.  That was manageable, as we knew where we were headed and what he wanted.

Then last night we were witness to an emergency at Owen's basketball game.  There was a baby sister of one of the players in the spectators and she stopped breathing during the game.  Someone performed CPR and the paramedics had to be called.  The baby was rushed to the hospital, and we don't know what happened from there.  The children were very shaken up, but we expressed how fortunate it was to have happen there where people could help save the baby and close to paramedics that could help.  Just a smack in the face to remember how truly precious life is and how fragile it is too.  This experience shakes even the strongest person.  

So today I was just not feeling right.  I thought it was just some of the stress we are dealing with from Kent's job and the events of last night.  However, at midday I realize that my mind might have already realized that a big change was about to hit us.  Then I got the call that our landlord decided to sale the house we live in, and we need to move by April 1st.  When asked if there is any flexibility on that day the answer was no.  This leaves us to find a new place rather quickly.  We love the kids school, we love the location where we live, but with only 2 months to find a place in the area we are hoping for a bit of a miracle.  

This news left me very sad at first because I realize how much the children love where we live.  This house is certainly not perfect, and I would never actually buy it.  However, it has been the perfect rental because of the location, size and lot.  After the sadness faded I became very angry at what seemed to be a total disregard to the fact that a family with children was being displaced by their decision.  Then I have bounced into and out of a place of hope.  There is a sense that this is happening because there is something else waiting for us out there.  It is something spectacular that we wold have never come across without this happening.  I am going to try to spend more time in that area of the emotions.  

Sure I can think how unfair it seems, dwell on the sadness of moving my children again or hold onto the anger I feel for those responsible for the decision.  However, there is a flip side to all this where I can focus on the opportunity, the new beginning or possibility of something amazing waiting for our family.  I am a true believer that life has a plan and happens for a reason.  Someday I will realize what this was all about.

We have had some pretty crazy years as a family.  However each trial has been balanced with something amazing.  The challenges have made us stronger and more connected.  I know for sure we will figure this out.  

May tomorrow bring new hope for every trial and a sense of peace.  Life may not always seem fair or take the path we most likely expected; however, each challenge hides an opportunity to rise above and create a new path.

Teaching Life Lessons

Sometimes being a parent is challenging, but I find that being a mother has made me grow, love and experience life on a new level.  Over the past 9+ years I have felt every emotion possible and to an extreme I never realized existed.  It is by far the most amazing experience I have had in my life.

One thing I love about my kids is their desire to learn, gather information and ask questions without holding back.  Their timing can be interesting.  At times this catches me off guard and the answers don't come so easily.  However, there are also the moments when it seems my answers were waiting for them to ask the question.  Saturday was one of those times.  

We were together in the car, and one of them asked about God.  They wanted to know why bad things happen if God exists.  Although bad things have happened in my life, I truly believe in God and that life has a path/purpose.  

I expressed to them that it is often hard to understand why bad things occur to us and those we love. We talked about some of the things that have happened in my life and the ways I have grown stronger because of them.  We discussed the power of prayer and they asked about the times that people pray and the bad thing still happens.  They asked about things in the world that are happening right now and why people fight wars.  We talked about fear, greed, worry and negativity in ourselves and others.  

It was truly a discussion between us, as their parents having lived a much longer life, and the two of them, who are still so fresh to this life experience.  They had some truly amazing things to say about life, and I felt pride for the sensitivity they express toward their lives and those of other people.  

I hope for some of my views about spreading positive energy, even in the face of challenges, to be something they embrace.  It is not always easy to seek the good in situations or understand why bad things happen.  However, I have seen the beauty of strength growing out of tragedy, good triumphing over evil and a soul rebuilding after a loss.  Sometimes it can appear there is no good, no light or no hope.  However, I have witnessed a fight when it seemed no energy remained.  

We have a choice each moment to focus on what is wrong with us, the world, each other OR all the amazing good.  I believe that choosing good, believing in hope and being a beacon of positive energy helps make the world a better place.  To give without any thought of receiving in return is something I cherish.  I feel strongly about making a positive difference in the lives I touch.  We aren't perfect, greed will exist, violence will occur; however, if you impact each persons life you touch in a positive way there is that much less negativity.  And... you never know who many more people will feel the positive impact you made in that persons life.  

I know we all have times where it is a challenge to feel positive, trust me I won't say I don't have them, but I truly hope my children will continue to realize and embrace the beauty in life.  I hope that they keep asking questions and never quench their thirst for information and knowledge.  I wish for them to live a life that makes them truly happy, and that they may positively impact the lives of those who are touched by their presence, whether for a moment or a lifetime.