Each time I entered the gym to do a strength routine my eyes would instantly dart to every corner of the gym to survey the crowd. Would this be a day where the weights would be skipped for something I felt more comfortable doing in front of other people? Or perhaps there was no one in the gym and no fear of looking foolish. I remember days when I headed to the gym for a good weight session, made it half way through and ended up on the bike again because of an irrational fear of what others might think.
When I started my 12 week weight lifting program in October it required equipment that I did not have available at home. Therefore, I had to come face to face with this. It was important for me to complete this routine, and I knew what was necessary for it to happen. The first week in the gym was rough, and I even skipped a few exercises because I was not confident in my ability to perform them well. However, as the weeks passed I became more and more comfortable. As I neared the end of the 12 weeks I walked into the gym with very little regard to the people around, did my work and left. I had conquered this fear or so I thought.
After the 12 weeks ended, I was starting P90X, and was looking at doing it at the gym. So that first day heading into the gym with a new routine in hand my heart was racing. However, with the success of the last 12 weeks behind me, I got it done. Then I returned for each day after that. So I had overcome this anxiety and gained confidence in myself through the process. BUT... There was still one exercise that I was still not comfortable doing. The dreaded burpee around anyone that was not of direct relation to me was absolutely terrifying. I could barely do three of them without feeling completely exhausted. Therefore, as I started the 30 day burpee challenge this was a real concern.
I am very happy to report that two weeks ago I stepped in the gym and faced this fear head on. I have now done burpees in the gym, in my office, in front of my coworkers and even in a park. My burpees are far from awesome, but man have they come a long way.
Although this growing experience on the surface seems to be all about my caring less about what other people think, I believe it is more than that. I began to realize that this was about me. I was doing these exercises to better myself, my body and my life. Therefore, none of these people that I was so worried about really have a place in this process or the right for me to allow them to disrupt it. This journey has been very personal for me. Even though my family, friends and a few complete strangers have been impacted by it, I am doing this for me!
Thankfully I have come to a place where I don't care what they think about my form or physical ability. This journey is one of a very personal nature, and I am truly happy that it now resides in its proper place. Who cares what other people think about what I am doing. I am not doing it for them!!!
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
What Happens When You Commit to a Month of Doing Something You Dread???
I have come to enjoy most of everything related to exercise in the last few years, with the exception of one. Some people consider it a form of torture and it is used in Spartan Races as a form of punishment for skipping an obstacle. Yes, I am talking about everyone's favorite, BURPEES!!!
If you don't know what a burpee is, go ask someone and pay attention their reaction just from the word alone. It has been known to make people run and hide just by its mere mention. Those of us that have done a burpee or two know what an amazing addition it makes to any workout. You can't argue with all the great benefits of this exercise; however, I will admit that my relationship with them has usually been one of complete avoidance. Therefore, when a friend approached me about doing a 30 Day Burpee Challenge it seemed the answer would be obvious. Why in the world would I want to spend a month doing this dreadful exercise and celebrate day 30 with 150 of them??? Apparently that super crazy part of my brain said yes before the sane part had a chance to figure out what was happening.
So here I sit on Day 22 of the challenge that seemed so obviously absurd. I can't say I know exactly how I have gotten here, but it seems that I have committed myself to this month of dread. In the beginning it was just a mindless thing that took a few minutes a day and was a warm up to my workout. Around the middle of the month it became serious. I have learned to fit burpees into my day in many ways. It is possible that I might have even done some in the closet off my office. Shhh!!! Anyway, as the month has progressed I have developed a pretty strong desire to conquer this b%t$h!!!
Although I refused to admit it for a the first half of this challenge, burpees really do get easier with practice. I am sure most of you don't want to hear that, but please feel confident that I would never lie about something so serious. Also, getting better at burpees impacts your physical abilities in all other areas too. I almost hate to admit that this awful exercise really does some amazing things to your body. When I was at the gym today doing the spin bike it was a truly amazing difference. My squats and lunges have been impacted as well. They are lower, more controlled and just darn impressive. Therefore, I must give burpees their due respect and tell you that they really do kick a$%!!!
So to sit here and imagine the fact that I could not even jump back for the squat thrust portion of a burpee less than a year ago is humbling. I have come a long way from the out of shape broken down body of my past, and I hope to continue to find new areas for improvement.
The scars from the years of self abuse will always remain on this body and soul, however, I find myself further distanced from that place with each and every day. May I never return to that place but always be reminded of its presence and the possibility of returning there.
In case you want to see burpees in action, here is a video of me doing some around day 7 of the challenge. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9cCipV_XGs
If you don't know what a burpee is, go ask someone and pay attention their reaction just from the word alone. It has been known to make people run and hide just by its mere mention. Those of us that have done a burpee or two know what an amazing addition it makes to any workout. You can't argue with all the great benefits of this exercise; however, I will admit that my relationship with them has usually been one of complete avoidance. Therefore, when a friend approached me about doing a 30 Day Burpee Challenge it seemed the answer would be obvious. Why in the world would I want to spend a month doing this dreadful exercise and celebrate day 30 with 150 of them??? Apparently that super crazy part of my brain said yes before the sane part had a chance to figure out what was happening.
So here I sit on Day 22 of the challenge that seemed so obviously absurd. I can't say I know exactly how I have gotten here, but it seems that I have committed myself to this month of dread. In the beginning it was just a mindless thing that took a few minutes a day and was a warm up to my workout. Around the middle of the month it became serious. I have learned to fit burpees into my day in many ways. It is possible that I might have even done some in the closet off my office. Shhh!!! Anyway, as the month has progressed I have developed a pretty strong desire to conquer this b%t$h!!!
Although I refused to admit it for a the first half of this challenge, burpees really do get easier with practice. I am sure most of you don't want to hear that, but please feel confident that I would never lie about something so serious. Also, getting better at burpees impacts your physical abilities in all other areas too. I almost hate to admit that this awful exercise really does some amazing things to your body. When I was at the gym today doing the spin bike it was a truly amazing difference. My squats and lunges have been impacted as well. They are lower, more controlled and just darn impressive. Therefore, I must give burpees their due respect and tell you that they really do kick a$%!!!
So to sit here and imagine the fact that I could not even jump back for the squat thrust portion of a burpee less than a year ago is humbling. I have come a long way from the out of shape broken down body of my past, and I hope to continue to find new areas for improvement.
The scars from the years of self abuse will always remain on this body and soul, however, I find myself further distanced from that place with each and every day. May I never return to that place but always be reminded of its presence and the possibility of returning there.
In case you want to see burpees in action, here is a video of me doing some around day 7 of the challenge. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9cCipV_XGs
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Life Changing Loss and The Years That Follow
My father passed away eight years ago. I remember feeling that life had suddently changed. I spent months with a lot of anger toward older people. It was totally irrational!! I guess it was just part of my trying to work through my loss. I was 29 when my dad died, and my son was 5 months old. It seemed that he was taken from me too early, but I have to remember how extremely lucky I was to have him as long as I did.
There are so many things that continue to remind me of him. It can be a certain look I get from Owen, something funny Cate does that reminds me of how much he would have loved her or all the times we are together as a family. Then there are the times that I can't remember something about him or it seems that life without him as become too normal, and I begin to weep.
A sadness is present about the fact that life is starting to feel normal without him in it. There is almost a sense of guilt about this feeling. I know this does not seem rational, but it is part of my processing this loss and life without him.
I hope to continue to cherish every moment where I think of him, see his characteristics or mannerisms that are displayed through my children or a memory shared with friends or family. One of the best things about my father was the friends of mine that he made feel they were one of his own kids. I have so many friends that I get to share special memories of my dad with because he meant so much to them as well. I love sharing those conversations with them. The fact that my father touched so many lives fills me with joy.
Although his physical presence is no longer with us, I truly know that his spirit lives on within our family and those he loved. I hope that my children get to know their grandfather through the memories we share with them.
As the anniversary of his death approaches I want to focus on celebrating his life and the wonderfaul ways he impacted the person I am today. May this day be a celebration of the love that he gave me and all the ways he continues to touch my life each day.
There are so many things that continue to remind me of him. It can be a certain look I get from Owen, something funny Cate does that reminds me of how much he would have loved her or all the times we are together as a family. Then there are the times that I can't remember something about him or it seems that life without him as become too normal, and I begin to weep.
A sadness is present about the fact that life is starting to feel normal without him in it. There is almost a sense of guilt about this feeling. I know this does not seem rational, but it is part of my processing this loss and life without him.
I hope to continue to cherish every moment where I think of him, see his characteristics or mannerisms that are displayed through my children or a memory shared with friends or family. One of the best things about my father was the friends of mine that he made feel they were one of his own kids. I have so many friends that I get to share special memories of my dad with because he meant so much to them as well. I love sharing those conversations with them. The fact that my father touched so many lives fills me with joy.
Although his physical presence is no longer with us, I truly know that his spirit lives on within our family and those he loved. I hope that my children get to know their grandfather through the memories we share with them.
As the anniversary of his death approaches I want to focus on celebrating his life and the wonderfaul ways he impacted the person I am today. May this day be a celebration of the love that he gave me and all the ways he continues to touch my life each day.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
It Has Been One of Those Weeks...
Sometimes I just don't feel right, and I find it so hard to locate the exact cause. Maybe I fight a little depression from time to time, hormones are off, sleep deprivation or fighting off a cold. Whatever the reason it can wreck havoc on my day, week, etc...
Last week started with some of those down moments where I just felt pitiful. I enjoyed quite a few pity parties, but mostly I was just angry because I wanted my mood to lighten. As the week progressed this feeling did get better. However, it was replaced with a really nasty cold. I was not thrilled to get sick, but I was pretty excited that it caused the mental blahs to leave.
Unfortunately, this less than perfect week caused me to be anything but a pleasant person to be around. My family really does need an award for putting up with me during those awful times. Mind you, they have their moments as well. I would assume we all do; however, I have not lived anyone elses life to be sure. Additionally, I was less than consistent with my workouts over the last 7 days. For anyone that visits the gym regularly, you know that skipping a workout when feeling mentally down brings nothing good to the situation. Exercising when you don't feel like doing it is the best thing for you.
So this weekend was a chance to get myself together and head into this coming week with a new perspective. Due to the cold and a less than normal ability to breath, I decided not to workout yesterday. However, I replaced that time with some serious organizing and purging. This is a healing process for me and energizes me for days/weeks to come. I love to go through the house, get rid of the clutter, pass on things to others that we no longer use and organize what we have. Even today I have experienced moments of true bliss when I have walked into the kitchen to see it so clean and orderly. Even opening my pantry is a delightful experience. Yes, I thrive on these things.
Today we decided to skip church and my morning workout. I wanted some time to reconnect with my family. We took the morning and all slept in pretty late. That was a real treat for everyone because we usually need an alarm to wake up for an early morning activity. It was a true delight to snuggle in bed with Kent for a few extra hours. Heck I even had breakfast in bed this morning. These are the moments that help to rejuvenate my spirit.
So with my mood lightened and feeling pretty good health wise, from the extra rest, I decided a workout was necessary before the day ended. Tonight would have been my third day off this week from some type of exercise, and it just did not feel right. Therefore, I moved my P90X workout from tomorrow morning to this evening. Completing this workout ended the weekend on the perfect note!
This weekend was not the norm for our family, but it was a very welcome change of pace. Kent and I got some time to reconnect and just be together without a lot of commitments. We got to spend some quality time together as a family, and we all got some much needed rest. This has left me feeling good, and I hope to carry this positive energy into my week ahead.
So this weekend was a chance to get myself together and head into this coming week with a new perspective. Due to the cold and a less than normal ability to breath, I decided not to workout yesterday. However, I replaced that time with some serious organizing and purging. This is a healing process for me and energizes me for days/weeks to come. I love to go through the house, get rid of the clutter, pass on things to others that we no longer use and organize what we have. Even today I have experienced moments of true bliss when I have walked into the kitchen to see it so clean and orderly. Even opening my pantry is a delightful experience. Yes, I thrive on these things.
Today we decided to skip church and my morning workout. I wanted some time to reconnect with my family. We took the morning and all slept in pretty late. That was a real treat for everyone because we usually need an alarm to wake up for an early morning activity. It was a true delight to snuggle in bed with Kent for a few extra hours. Heck I even had breakfast in bed this morning. These are the moments that help to rejuvenate my spirit.
So with my mood lightened and feeling pretty good health wise, from the extra rest, I decided a workout was necessary before the day ended. Tonight would have been my third day off this week from some type of exercise, and it just did not feel right. Therefore, I moved my P90X workout from tomorrow morning to this evening. Completing this workout ended the weekend on the perfect note!
This weekend was not the norm for our family, but it was a very welcome change of pace. Kent and I got some time to reconnect and just be together without a lot of commitments. We got to spend some quality time together as a family, and we all got some much needed rest. This has left me feeling good, and I hope to carry this positive energy into my week ahead.
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