Sometimes Being an Adult Just Sucks!

Not too long ago I wrote about my awesome new perspective on the crap that life throws at me. Unfortunately, it appears there might be a limit to what I can take without self combustion.  I sort of felt it building as medical bills started to arrive, the car needed a new tire and the blood thinner side effects got a little more annoying.  However, I brushed each off as just another bump that is out of my control.  My thoughts were I can't change it, it could be worse, etc...

Today was the straw that broke the camels back, as the saying goes.  The mail brought two pieces that just sent me over the edge.  I screamed, cried and even broke a dish.  I tend to blame myself when these unforeseen, unwelcome expenses arrive.  As someone that is my own worst enemy, I somehow turn the situation around to be related to a failure of my attempt to properly do this being an adult thing.  I beat myself up thinking that I must not be strong enough or financially responsible. 

Of course I understand none of this is the healthy way to deal with these unforeseen circumstances, but I feel complete disclosure of my faults is a way to move beyond some of these behaviors.  I had a temper tantrum of sorts.  

What have I learned from this experience?  That even though it seems silly, counterproductive and childish sometimes we need to just let it out.  However, remember that the situation will eventually look different as time passes and it could always be so much worse.  The truth is, that at the end of the day we are amazingly blessed with what we have been given.  It is easy to sometimes lose sight of that and it is OK for that to happen.  No reason to beat yourself up for these moments but instead get it out and move beyond them.  

Tonight I cried like a baby, had a serious pity party and then talked it all out.  The fact is that life will throw you the unexpected and most of it is out of your full control.  If it feels like something you want to cry about, do it.  If you need to scream, find a way to let it out.  However, give the tantrum its place and move forward.  

I don't understand or have this whole thing figured out.  However, I am glad to have friends and family that listen, comfort and support me through these moments.  

So maybe the trick is not exactly in your perspective or how well you handle those things to which you have little control.  Instead it is about expressing the needed emotions and finding those around you that will support you during and after.  

The Future I Hope For

This started as a simple text to a friend about some of my recent thoughts; however it kept building into more and more thoughts.  And then it grew into a blog entry.These are just my ramblings about what I see in the world and my hope to raise two members of the next generation to live with different intentions.

I have been thinking a lot about life, what the role of society is and how things impact us. It has left me wondering how I want to raise my kids so they may live with true happiness and as a positive force in the universe.  It is a lot to think about.

I don't feel that true happiness comes from a job, wealth or material possessions.  I have been blessed to realize early in life that my true bliss comes from those I share my life with and the experiences that I have.

I have witnessed people striving for more, working their days away to obtain a promotion, boss' approval, etc.. They miss important events with their children and time together with their families. It seems to be an imbalance in what truly matters.  I have seen it play out in life that work will go on without you. Although it is important to work hard and do your best, it should not surpass those you love or life experiences with its importance.  In the end, it is just a job.  Do your best but allow it only the time it deserves.

I don't believe in conspiracy theories or crazy paranoia fueled by fear; however, I do think there is some truth in the fact that we have trapped ourselves with money, jobs, etc..  Too many people live to work and allow the perceived expectations of society or others dictate their actions.

I don't believe it is feasible to change the masses or even provide enlightenment to everyone I know. However, I do hope to raise my children to realize that a work/life balance is a must.  I want them to take the opportunity while they are young to wander, explore and embrace the world.  I feel strongly in giving them experiences and not material things.  My success as a parent will be measured not by the job they obtain or their starting salary.  It will be determined by the way they experience the world, treat others and live their lives.

I hope to raise them to love nature, embrace the energy of every living being, be kind, generous and caring to all that they meet and live life fully with great happiness.   The world is certainly not perfect, but it is better for good people to spread positive energy and hope then to hide in fear or despair.  I am hopeful that both of my kids will be a positive force in the world, even in the face of challenges and uncertainty.

Love Yourself

You aren't going to change overnight.  The 20 pounds you would like to lose isn't going to disappear just because you wish it away.  Nor will you change the shape of your eyes, the wrinkles that represent a life well lived or the extra skin your children so lovingly left after their births.




Every part of our imperfect bodies is beautiful and sacred.  Try to embrace, love and cherish the amazing body you possess.  It might not be what you envision as perfection, but it is perfectly you. Work each day to care for, nurture and treat your body well.  It is the only one you will be provided and the better you treat it the more efficiently it will work for you.

Try not to slip into negative self talk, compare your body to that of others or set unrealistic expectations for yourself.  Express gratitude for all the amazing things your body does each moment to provide you the ability to move, see/hear/taste things and experience life to the fullest.  Whether you are tall, short, a size 2 or 22 you are perfectly you.  Each of us is amazingly unique and beautiful.  Don't let anyone or even yourself tell you otherwise.  

A New Perspective

Life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs.  The ride can at times feel exhilarating and full of promise.  At other times it feels like it is one bump after another.  The fact is that life is going to be unpredictable.  The key to living the best life I can appears to be located in how I deal with these situations that life throws at me.

I am the first to admit that my coping skills have been lacking from time to time.  Instead of taking to heart the Serenity Prayer, I have stressed, fussed, moped and been generally unhappy when things weren't perfect.  Oftentimes I would be on edge and argue about surprise expenses, consider myself cursed when medical conditions arose and stress over unfinished work. I am working hard to change my focus and approach life with a new strategy.

The events of the last two weeks have meant new debt, a maxed out medical flexible spending account and the recurrence of a medical condition that I never expected to face again.  Typically, this would have sent me into a corner to cry. lick my wounds and attack anyone that came near.  However, my reaction to all of this has been very different.

I am not sure what to credit my new found attitude on, but it is welcome to stay forever.  With each of the six challenges that was placed in my path; I inspected it, determined what areas I could impact and moved forward with a plan.  It was from a logical and rational part of my mind that I moved through these events and not the typical overly emotional side.

I have certainly had my bad moments, but they have been short lived and not a place from which I made decisions or judged the overall situation.  I believe that being angry about a situation, sad about a struggle or upset over an outcome is perfectly normal.  We each need that time to get it out; however, it can't be the place where we remain.

It also helps to put everything in perspective.  Life is not going to be perfect all the time and we all have our struggles.  However, to be alive and well is truly an amazing blessing.  I hope to waste less of my time wishing things were different and more of it formulating a plan to live the best life I can.

It feels refreshing to look at challenges and struggles in a new way.  I look forward to finding new ways to approach life that will challenge me to think differently.

The Struggle to Remain Hopeful

It is heartbreaking to see so many good people talking about how evil and terrible the world has become.  It can be difficult to see violence in the world and not be fearful.  The realization that a person can possess such strong hatred and disregard for human life is unbelievable.  It could make someone worry that evil is everywhere.  However, turning our backs on each other is not the answer.  Fear, anger and hatred are not the response either.  They only let the bad win and provide what it desires. 

I certainly struggle to remain steadfast in my beliefs when facing sadness, violence or the suffering of human beings in the world.  However, my energy remains strong and grounded in the existence of amazing good.  Allowing the fear and hatred entrance into my heart and that of others is only allowing evil a victory.  I refuse to contribute anything to make that more powerful.

The world is a picture with areas of dark and light.  Each day is filled with amazing beauty, laughter, sorrow, grief, joy, loss and new beginnings.  It is the mix that is ever present in life.  However, allowing the negativity to grow larger and cover the good diminishes the light and only creates more darkness.  

I choose to not let negative events or people depict my picture of the world or the human race. It is a choice that is not always easy to achieve. There are times I falter for a moment or two, but the light brings me back.  I hope to always realize and appreciate the beauty and power of the human spirit, even in the midst of horrible tragedy (personal or far reaching). 

My belief is that humans have the ability to come together for a much larger purpose than violence, hatred and greed.  There is a lot of good in the world, and I choose to help make that side bigger and stronger.  My part might be small: however, with each person that chooses to believe, focus and direct their energy toward the good, it grows ever larger. 

Fear, Anger and the Light That Shines

Sometimes it is hard to look out into the world because the picture is difficult to comprehend. How does another human have such extreme hate and disregard for human life? I feel anger when these individuals believe their statement is best heard by spreading fear and destroying the life/lives of innocent people. Attempting to make sense of such occurrences is futile.

In the aftermath the focus far too often falls on the horrific events, the party responsible and the violent retaliation.  However, there are powerful stories hidden within that are being missed. There are survivors that have a message to share, strangers reaching out in kindness to each other, individuals thousands of miles away weeping for someone they have never met and the bond formed across different cultures, countries and beliefs to stand together. Powerful healing messages reside here.  

This is not written to get into a political debate, religious discussion or a battle over what is right or wrong.  Instead it comes from a place that desires peace and acceptance.  It saddens me to see humans react with fear and only see the world for all the hate, anger and pain that exists.  I am not naive or viewing the world through rose colored glasses; however, I do choose to walk through life allowing fear no more than its necessary place and without holding onto anger.  There is far too much beauty in the world to allow negativity room in my soul.  

I realize it is hard to see the good when large injustices occur.  Also, I understand that having extreme separation from such situations makes it easier to say all these things. However, I have read writings from individuals directly impacted by events such as war, terrorist attacks and murder who spoke of amazing generosity, caring and opening of hearts with kindness for one another.  If we close ourselves to this side of life, doesn't the enemy win? 

At times when it seems that all the good has vanished into an impenetrable darkness; there is a light. As a person of hope I choose to acknowledge my fears, release my sadness and greet life with the goal to make a positive difference in the world.  

I don't believe it is realistic or healthy to ignore the evil; however, I will not allow it to overwhelm my being.  Fear has a place inside me, but I don't let it to cripple me, drive my decisions or behaviors. 

I can't and won't tell others how to feel about the pain, suffering and difficulties in their lives.  That is their journey to travel, but I wanted to share where my soul resides.  

It is with the light of goodness, peace, love and joy that I will stand.  There is amazing goodness in this world and by remembering that each day I am not choosing to forget those that are suffering but instead believing in the power of humanity to one day stand together for the good of all.  Some might say it is just a dream, but each moment holds the power of change.  Is there any harm in making sure my small impact on the world is a positive one?   

A Decade Without You

On this day a decade ago I stood on a threshold in life that I was not ready to cross.  Life will at times put things in our path that seem impossible to understand or heal from; however, we move beyond and survive.  Things definitely look and feel different on the other side.

When I sit and really let the thought settle that he has been gone for a quarter of my life it seems impossible.  I still weep at the remembrance of walking into the hospital room 10 years ago to the realization that he was going to leave us.  It was by far the most difficult thing I had faced in my 29 years of life.  From time to time the pain and sadness return.  I don't try to fight it as I feel it is just as necessary as the happy feelings of rememberance.  I try to feel what comes and release it back into the energy of the world.  I imagine myself wrapped in your love and that of the universe to which we share.  

Although I have lots of difficult memories of that day, I also saw the amazing beauty in sharing our lives with others. My siblings and family were my rock that day.  I can't imagine having faced it without them and feel that my love for them has grown.  Another lasting impression was left by nurses that passed briefly during this powerful moment in my life.  The amazing gift that a good nurse provides in these moments is something that can't be measured.  I have a very vivid memory of one of the nurses from the final day of my dad's life.  He was truly an angel.  The energy of those around us is powerful.


One of the bittersweet memories of that day was the final moments of my father's life.  I guess if you have to pick a good way to die we did our best to achieve it.  As we knew the end was coming we all gathered around the bed, the room was full of love, and we all sang.  I believe some nurses and possibly the hospital chaplain was even included in this occasion.  Each time I hear Amazing Grace and Kumbaya My Lord I am filled with some really strong emotions, as those were the last sounds my father heard.  The amazing power that we created in that moment was awe inspiring.  It was filled with love and energy.  We were fortunate to be able to be all together at that moment.

Life is an amazing journey and one that I would not desire to change.  Although it seemed unfair to lose my father, I realize everything happens as it should.  Embracing the pain is just as important as celebrating the joy.  It is all part of this crazy ride.

Dad- The feelings rush in strong at times and overwhelm my soul.  I ache for one more moment to tell you all the things I have wanted to say and to share all the life moments that you have missed.  Your spirit lives on within those that you loved so deeply.  I see you in myself, my siblings and our children. Although these moments seem to be filled with sadness, I am often overwhelmed with love and joy with a memory of you. I am blessed to be your daughter, and I will forever hold you near.