There Will be Days Like These

We are all going to have a mix of good and bad days throughout life.  There will be some days that require little effort and all the details fall into place.  Everyone at work is nice, easy to work with and appreciative.  At home the housework is enjoyable, the kids are compliant with all requests and energy levels fit the work that needs to be done.  You feel like a rock star, compliment yourself on how awesome you are and spend the evening relaxing in the joy of a day gone right. 

Then there are those days, yep you know them, where nothing seems to go the way it should.  You get out of bed and there is a dark cloud that follows every step.  People seem harder than usual to work with, every task requires unnecessary effort and annoyances surround you.  These can be hard to get through but they are just as needed as the simple ones.  

Rough times are an opportunity to grow, become stronger and learn new lessons.  Sure they don't feel good at the time, but many times we look back with the realization of what we have done and pride in the accomplishment.  Sometimes it is just the sheer shock that we made it through alive.  

As a teenager, I remember multiple occasions where I felt I was facing circumstances that would be unbearable.  One that I hold near and dear is when I learned I would be moving my junior year of high school.  I felt the pain and agony of facing a whole school of people I did not know and felt it would certainly mean the end of me.  The truth is I made it through.  Sure I skipped lunches sometimes to call my mom because I did not know who would accept me at their lunch table; however, I lived and grew through it.  

Then when faced with another move my senior year my outlook changed.  This time it was anger and my target was set on the party responsible for these acts of terror.  My goal was to be as awful as possible to them.  They were to be punished for this irrational uprooting during my teenage life.  I could not understand the obvious disregard for my life and feelings.  

Of course, like so many difficulties we face in life, I look back now with amazing gratitude for these occurrences.  If not for those two moves, many amazing things would not have happened in my life.  I also appreciate the circumstances my parents were given and the decisions they made for their family, even with a child that made every step as difficult as possible.  

We often don't appreciate the times of struggle until many years down the road.  I try to remember the times that things which appeared bad on the surface turned out to be opportunities to grow. It helps me limit the time I focus on bad things and take a slightly different perspective.  Often the crappy days or occurrences can't be controlled, but the amount of time we dwell on them is ours to own.  If you can't change it or it has already happened, then try to realize the lack of control you have over it, learn from it and move forward.  

We can't change the past and worrying about the future does no good.  Therefore, focus on what you can control which is this very moment.   If you make a mistake, move forward from it.  If you have a really rotten day, sleep and awake to a fresh day.  If you are mean to someone or treat them unfairly, apologize and show them you mean it.  

I am guilty of not focusing enough on others at times or being short tempered; therefore, I often try to focus on improving these things.  We are all going to have imperfect moments so allow them to happen but not linger any more than necessary.  Let them pass and move on. 

This moment is a culmination of all that has happened before it.  To wish one thing different has the possibility of impacting the reality of today in a negative way.  We don't know what each day holds, but we have control in the way we learn from it.  Sure awful things happen with what seems like no sensible reason; however, we must learn to heal, seek acceptance and grow from it.  Live life to the fullest and experience every moment to its fullest potential.

It is Your Journey....

I recently read something that made me stop and think about how we treat ourselves.  Many people, me included, have a lot to learn about what we envision for ourselves and our daily lives.  The reality of what we compare ourselves and our lives to is most likely very different than what we see or choose to see.  

I am always the first to admit that I don't have this life thing all figured out.  Some people appear on the surface to have it all in their corner, but often they are hurting, lost or long for something we don't see.  Most mothers have seen that one woman that is all put together, her children listen to every request and she handles every moment with grace and ease.  You might look at her, start to make comparisons and find yourself falling short.  But there is so much we don't see in the lives of others that make it truly fruitless to compare. 

Maybe it is that person in the gym that seems to complete every exercise with what looks to be little or no effort.  They lift the 60 lb dumbbell like it is 5 lb and squat to the floor.  You find yourself hiding in the corner afraid of showing what you feel is inferior ability.  Truth is you don't know their story, the path they have led to get there and what is possibly years of hard work they have endured.  

Many of us travel similar paths but cross at varying times on our journeys.  The appropriate human reaction is to greet others as our travels collide, encourage/celebrate/provide support, if requested, and move forward with focus on our own path.  Everyone has gifts, stories and experiences to share, but you have to quiet your own ego long enough to truly learn from what they have to teach us.  

Our lives are unique to us, our marriages are not the identical someone else, our children are a combination of genes and traits that no one else has.  Therefore, it is unfair to look to the outside for a picture of what we should expect to happen in our own lives.  In my experience, we are most often much better parents than we give ourselves credit for, have marriages that are stronger than we realize and have more blessings than we could ever count.  

Along the same lines, don't let someone else dictate how your life, marriage or family should function.  This is a personal determination made from within the core group and should not be open for others to judge.  If you aren't living in that house, then appreciate their right to make the decisions they feel are best for them.  If it is not effecting you, there is really no need for involvement. 

Last but not least, don't ever, ever, ever compare your material wealth to someone else's.  We each live our lives with different areas of focus.  Some are very career driven and give a lot of time and effort to work.  Many enjoy spending money on houses, cars, material possessions.  Then others trade career for more time with family, less income and less material things.  

Not one of these ways of living is 100% the right way to live your life.  It is a very personal decision that every family makes, and it should be respected by those on the outside.  It is equally as important to accept the choices you make for yourself/family and not compare where you are to others. Whether someone has more or less than you makes them no less of a person.  We all make choices that bring us to where we are and to what we have in life.  It in no way depletes or inflates our importance in the whole of life.  

Move forward on your path and don't allow your idea of what you should be doing come from the view of others or your view of what perfection looks like on the image of another.  This is your journey so live it to the fullest and celebrate the amazing beauty that it is.  

The Struggle to Find Routine Again

It has been almost four months since my last entry.  I could say that I have been too busy with packing, finding a new house, moving and getting settled.  However, the truth is the fat girl was in control.  In all seriousness, I was headed down a much too familiar path, and I knew that writing would mean facing that head on.  Blogging is often a way I work through my feelings, fears, barriers and find strength.  It also has a way of holding me accountable.  Instead of facing the truth of my actions, I turned to food for comfort and began to believe that I had justified reasons for skipping the gym.

It is frightening how easily I slipped out of the healthy patterns that I had created.  One bit of unexpected news, and I was full of excuses to pave the road to bad choices and behaviors.  It did not take much to return back to a mental state that has led to many unhealthy choices in my past.  Even though this visit lasted too long, now that I look back, I am happy to have returned to the right path.  Of course every trip comes with some extra baggage and this one was no different.  I am now the proud owner of a new 15 pounds I did not have last year. 

There is a fine balance in my life with allowing for needed time to rest and giving into a part of me that will say one more day or we will start again Monday.  Each time I told myself returning to the gym would come next week or one more day off wouldn't hurt, there was another voice that was sounding the alarm.  There was some weird comfort in knowing that part of me realized what was happening. 

 Now that I am returning to my routine the balance of power has shifted.  The fat girl, as I have lovingly called her in the past, inside of me is fighting hard but now the fighter (beast as some might call her) inside is getting louder again.  She is pushing me into that 3rd round of the interval routine when the fat girl is throwing out all the reasons to stop.  The fighter slept quietly for months with only a few reminders of her presence, but today she stands proud and ready to push harder.  

Of course I could beat myself up about those 3 months and the fact that I will be struggling to lose this weight for months; however, the truth is that it is done and moving forward is the only option. It would be silly to say there won't be times like this again; however, I hope the fighter wins out in the end.  

Life is lived best when pushing limits, expanding thoughts and gaining new strength.  My wish for each tomorrow is to wake stronger, live fuller and love deeper.  Change will not come overnight but each day is a small step forward or backward.  Take the time to remember the direction you are headed, learn from the slip ups and celebrate each individual day on this amazing journey.  

Life Can Certainly be Shitty at Times **Please Excuse my Language**

Life can definitely be depended upon to keep you on your toes.  Just when you get comfortable a curve ball is thrown, and you successfully dodge it or even better grow from the experience.  Then, all of a sudden, you find yourself with too many being thrown to avoid them.  But that one that hits the hardest is rough.  Today that happened to me.

Last week Kent and I started to talk about what we wanted from his part time job situation.  So we began to discuss how we would move forward on that front and had some great discussions.  He shared some things he would like to explore, and we started the first steps on that plan.  We talked about less time of night working and shifting things around a bit.  Well, his boss is not really on the same page which means some changes coming in that area.  That was manageable, as we knew where we were headed and what he wanted.

Then last night we were witness to an emergency at Owen's basketball game.  There was a baby sister of one of the players in the spectators and she stopped breathing during the game.  Someone performed CPR and the paramedics had to be called.  The baby was rushed to the hospital, and we don't know what happened from there.  The children were very shaken up, but we expressed how fortunate it was to have happen there where people could help save the baby and close to paramedics that could help.  Just a smack in the face to remember how truly precious life is and how fragile it is too.  This experience shakes even the strongest person.  

So today I was just not feeling right.  I thought it was just some of the stress we are dealing with from Kent's job and the events of last night.  However, at midday I realize that my mind might have already realized that a big change was about to hit us.  Then I got the call that our landlord decided to sale the house we live in, and we need to move by April 1st.  When asked if there is any flexibility on that day the answer was no.  This leaves us to find a new place rather quickly.  We love the kids school, we love the location where we live, but with only 2 months to find a place in the area we are hoping for a bit of a miracle.  

This news left me very sad at first because I realize how much the children love where we live.  This house is certainly not perfect, and I would never actually buy it.  However, it has been the perfect rental because of the location, size and lot.  After the sadness faded I became very angry at what seemed to be a total disregard to the fact that a family with children was being displaced by their decision.  Then I have bounced into and out of a place of hope.  There is a sense that this is happening because there is something else waiting for us out there.  It is something spectacular that we wold have never come across without this happening.  I am going to try to spend more time in that area of the emotions.  

Sure I can think how unfair it seems, dwell on the sadness of moving my children again or hold onto the anger I feel for those responsible for the decision.  However, there is a flip side to all this where I can focus on the opportunity, the new beginning or possibility of something amazing waiting for our family.  I am a true believer that life has a plan and happens for a reason.  Someday I will realize what this was all about.

We have had some pretty crazy years as a family.  However each trial has been balanced with something amazing.  The challenges have made us stronger and more connected.  I know for sure we will figure this out.  

May tomorrow bring new hope for every trial and a sense of peace.  Life may not always seem fair or take the path we most likely expected; however, each challenge hides an opportunity to rise above and create a new path.

Teaching Life Lessons

Sometimes being a parent is challenging, but I find that being a mother has made me grow, love and experience life on a new level.  Over the past 9+ years I have felt every emotion possible and to an extreme I never realized existed.  It is by far the most amazing experience I have had in my life.

One thing I love about my kids is their desire to learn, gather information and ask questions without holding back.  Their timing can be interesting.  At times this catches me off guard and the answers don't come so easily.  However, there are also the moments when it seems my answers were waiting for them to ask the question.  Saturday was one of those times.  

We were together in the car, and one of them asked about God.  They wanted to know why bad things happen if God exists.  Although bad things have happened in my life, I truly believe in God and that life has a path/purpose.  

I expressed to them that it is often hard to understand why bad things occur to us and those we love. We talked about some of the things that have happened in my life and the ways I have grown stronger because of them.  We discussed the power of prayer and they asked about the times that people pray and the bad thing still happens.  They asked about things in the world that are happening right now and why people fight wars.  We talked about fear, greed, worry and negativity in ourselves and others.  

It was truly a discussion between us, as their parents having lived a much longer life, and the two of them, who are still so fresh to this life experience.  They had some truly amazing things to say about life, and I felt pride for the sensitivity they express toward their lives and those of other people.  

I hope for some of my views about spreading positive energy, even in the face of challenges, to be something they embrace.  It is not always easy to seek the good in situations or understand why bad things happen.  However, I have seen the beauty of strength growing out of tragedy, good triumphing over evil and a soul rebuilding after a loss.  Sometimes it can appear there is no good, no light or no hope.  However, I have witnessed a fight when it seemed no energy remained.  

We have a choice each moment to focus on what is wrong with us, the world, each other OR all the amazing good.  I believe that choosing good, believing in hope and being a beacon of positive energy helps make the world a better place.  To give without any thought of receiving in return is something I cherish.  I feel strongly about making a positive difference in the lives I touch.  We aren't perfect, greed will exist, violence will occur; however, if you impact each persons life you touch in a positive way there is that much less negativity.  And... you never know who many more people will feel the positive impact you made in that persons life.  

I know we all have times where it is a challenge to feel positive, trust me I won't say I don't have them, but I truly hope my children will continue to realize and embrace the beauty in life.  I hope that they keep asking questions and never quench their thirst for information and knowledge.  I wish for them to live a life that makes them truly happy, and that they may positively impact the lives of those who are touched by their presence, whether for a moment or a lifetime.  

Looking Back

I know that it is not always healthy to look to the past, but sometimes I like to do it in order to remember how far I have come.  I find when looking at this picture, although not even my heaviest, I am filled with both pain and pride.

The pain comes from a place filled with years of not taking care of myself, trying one fad diet after another and not realizing how unhappy I was in my own skin.  However, there is also a lot of pride in the changes I made, the hard work I have given to this journey and the things I have accomplished.

As I return my focus to the path I laid out those years ago, I felt a quick look back would be good.

This is a picture of me after losing approximately 40 pounds in 2007.  I gained a bit of that back before starting this journey in 2008.   At my heaviest, non pregnant weight, I was 315.  Although it fluctuates, I am approximately 130 pounds less than that now.

How do I Get so Out of Control

My eating has been bad for weeks now, and I have had to rely on my workouts to keep from gaining weight.  Luckily, I have not put on 15-20 pounds, but there is another 5+ that I did not have two months ago.  I need to stop, refocus and get myself back on track.

How did I get here? Why do I lose focus and find myself so lost from the path that makes me feel strong, healthy and beautiful?  I put in hours of work to turn around and eat my way out of the progress I made.  I have control over what goes into my mouth and my relationship with food.  Now it is time again to make some much needed changes.  It is time to focus on me, my health and my body.

Changing the direction I am headed is possible.  Unfortunately, I have done it before, a few times.  It is not always easy, but I feel strong and determined.  I want to start the week renewed, refreshed and headed down a new, yet slightly familiar, path.

This weekend is a time to research and refocus on where I want to take this journey, how I will get there and the first steps.  I have some exciting ideas in mind, and I will share them as I move forward. I want to explore ways to strengthen my mind, body and spirit.  It will take some organization, time and work; however, the result will be a happier and healthier me.

I have always accepted the bumps in the road and not beat myself up for these veers off track.  This time won't be any different.  I can't change the path I traveled these last few weeks and anger/sadness/etc.. won't help me get where I need to be.  Therefore, I am going to push forward and take it one day at a time.

Day one of my desire for this new focus is coming to a close, and I will wrap it up with excitement for where I am headed.  I have made myself accountable writing it out here.  So here is to tomorrow and the tomorrows to come!

Life is an amazing gift! Get out there and make the most of it!