Stress and sweet success!

This has been a rough week, and I had a very rough night.  I was consumed with difficult feelings and felt lots of stress.  These are dangerous times for my journey to health because I have a really terrible relationship with food.

As long as I can remember I have reached for food to relieve stress, comfort me when I feel discouraged or lift my spirits when I was sad.  It is embarrassing to admit that I have this relationship with food, but it is so true and has been a contributing factor to my weight issues throughout my life.  It is something that weighs on my mind when I think about celebrating with my kids by going out to dinner or getting ice cream.  I worry that I might be teaching them similar habits.

However, in this situation when both stress and sadness hit I turned to friends instead of food.  It was

hard at first but a lot of relief was found in telling them the struggle I was facing and getting their support.  Even a few laughs were shared, and I felt stronger.  I am truly blessed to have people in my life I can turn to when things seem to close in around me.  Whether it is to share all the details with the realization that they won't judge me, but that they will love me through it or just to help me feel accountable to myself not to eat my feelings.  They all help in such wonderful ways, and I am so very grateful.  

So even after a difficult night, I am proud to report that there is Christmas candy in my house and the packages are still sealed.

Here we are again...

It has been a rough year, and the medical issues have taken a toll on my body.  I know there could have been more proactive measures taken to not let it get this far out of control.  I could have taken only the necessary breaks and not extended ones.  Certainly keeping my eating in check while i was unable to be physically active would have helped.  Regardless of all that, this is where I start over.

Instead of beating myself up for all the weight gain, muscle lost and conditioning that will need to be restored, I am going to celebrate that I have returned to this place. There were times I feared all was lost but a little voice in my head continued to remind me of that active life I loved, those times in the gym that made me feel invincible and the workouts that were rough but ended with such sweet success. I might have strayed far, but something inside me knew to keep adding little reminders so I might return here.

Of course the little voice alone did not conquer this major veer off course.  I must give credit to my

guides, who without, I might not have returned so soon.  The are friends that are determined to return to their journey.  It was their invitation to join them, which I was VERY reluctant to accept, that really kicked it all back into gear.  There is something about having others to talk/share with and give/receive support from that makes this seem easier to tackle.

As I wrap up day four of this newest turn back in the right direction, I feel strong, determined and powerful.  I can't say that I will always make the right decisions when it comes to food and being active because I have learned that I will slip and fall from time to time.  However, the right friends and that little voice that doesn't quit will help me find my way back here each time I stray.

So here is to strength, determination and darn good friends.  Please let them all three stick with me in the coming months as I turn this ship around and head back to being healthier and fitter.

I don't have all I want......but I have all that I need!

I don't have what some believe to be the ideal body, a kayak or two would be great to have for weekend fun, when driving around the campground today we commented about how much fun it would be to have a camper, there is always something I would like to have or put on the list of wants.  But when I pull out that ever growing list of things I am reminded of how truly blessed we are with all that God has provided.

After 16 years, I still wake up to a man that I adore.  OK, OK.  I will admit that it is not always adoration, but way more that than anything else.  We have two children who make me feel a love that seems beyond any possible measure.  Sure they bicker, irritate each other and sometimes I have to bribe them to just be quiet, but I would not change them.  We have jobs that may not be perfect but provide the means to food, water, shelter and clothing for our family.  Our bodies may not be perfect, but they allow us to travel and explore this wonderful world.  

I have learned important lessons throughout life, but some have become deep rooted within me.  One of them is that when looking at what I have and my blessings it is not necessary to look at my bank account, my house, my cars or any material possessions.  The true value does not lie in the items that can be counted, but instead in those things that are impossible to measure.

My soul is full of gratefulness for all the blessings I have received.  Life isn't perfect.  It does not lack some discomfort, hardships, arguments and moments where I am less than the best person I could be; however, it is all part of the trip.  

If I could put onto canvas my road through life, it would be a mess.  There was some childhood angst, preteen bullying, teenage heartache, losses that seemed impossible to recover from, overwhelming financial obligations, angry words that could not be taken back and tears.  But even more so there was friendship, unconditional love, encouragement, first kisses, falling in love, happiness, joy beyond measure, new beginnings, laughter and so much beauty everywhere.  All together it is the most amazing masterpiece.  I would not change one single thing.  

As a result of the many blessings I have received, my hope is to provide value through my

 interactions with others.  Every time we cross paths with another whether for a moment or a lifetime we can either increase their blessings or take from their joy.  I aspire to leave them with a fuller cup than when they arrived at our junction.

May we each enrich the lives of others in beautiful ways, be grateful for our blessings each chance we get and love wastefully.  There will never be a time that the world couldn't use more joy, peace and love.  Be the good you want to see in the world and others will catch on...

Adulting Can Be Hard

Sometimes being an adult is the last thing that I want to do.  I love my family, but there are days where I don't want to be "Mom" and am not interested in cleaning the house. I don't pretend these times don't exist or hide behind a shield of trying to be perfect.  Instead I own up to the moment and handle it the best way I see fit.

There are days where I run away to the mountains to leave all that adult stuff behind and fill my soul with the goodness only mother nature can provide.  At times I lay around reading the latest Facebook news and allow the kids extended computer time so I can veg longer.  Then there are moments where I pack us all into the car and go find something to do whether grocery shopping, dinner out, the dog park or another city adventure.  Just to break the funk and move forward.

I have grown to understand that life is too short to take too seriously.  I don't let a bad day turn into a bad week.  The dishes, laundry and dust will be there if today does not feel like the right day for adult responsibilities.  And the children are going to grow up just fine even if mommy takes a night to veg on mindless activities.

Most of all I have learned that one of my least favorite parts of adulting is having a full time job. This certainly does not mean I don't do it and do the very best I can.  I take great pride in my job, the relationships I have through it and the quality of the service I provide.  However, I would choose any day to be hiking in the mountains over being in an office all day, even though I work with some awesome people.

So...what it does mean is that my job has a place in my life that is just as important as the play portion

of my life.  I feel that it is imperative that I remain focused on this balance to ensure my future ability to handle being an adult.  I also feel very compelled to pass this on to my children.  It will be with

great pride that I am able to witness my grown children balancing a career and all the things they love to do outside of work.  I want them to cherish this balance as much as their father and I do.

All this being said I will be the first to admit that we have had to make a lot of sacrifices to have this balance.  However, I would not change a thing.  We are blessed to have enough to work, play and explore.  May these experiences enrich our children's' lives, our lives and be an example to others to play more often.

Hello Old Friend

Sometimes we connect to places, things and people in profound ways that are hard to explain. There is a comfort about it that puts our soul at peace. This is one of those places for me.

There was something that tugged at my soul when I first set foot in the Green Mountain state, and it has had a hold of me ever since. It was like no place I had ever traveled in the states, and I was immediately drawn to the unspoiled beauty.

As we traveled on familiar roads today and explored new areas, I felt such bliss.  I can only describe it as feeling like visiting a good friend. My soul finds peace, joy and fulfillment in these beautiful mountains.

I feel so blessed to be able to travel, explore and experience what truly fulfills me.  I am truly honored to share, although not always with the same vest, these journeys with my husband and kids.  I know Kent shares my love for these adventures, and I hope my children grow to cherish these times and do the same with their kids.

Excited to spend the next 3 days in this land I hold so dear.

And the Winner is..... A Bad Gallbladder!

I have been battling an ongoing medical issue for over 5 years.  After multiple tests, doctors visits and even a specialist, I finally got an answer that I already knew.  My gallbladder is not functioning.  

When I experienced my first attack five years ago I almost instantly knew what was happening.  My mother had her gallbladder removed around that same age, I had lost a large amount of weight and the attack was following a delicious but very greasy meal. The pain was very centralized to one specific area of my right side.  It had to be my gallbladder.  

After a brief doctor visit, I was scheduled for testing.  Once I finally got into that first ultrasound the attack had subsided, I felt great and we learned there were no gallstones.  Therefore, I went on with life until the next attack hit.  Another visit to the doctor with the same symptoms prompted blood work and scheduling another ultrasound.  Their belief was that with more than 6 months since the last one the results might have changed.  To no surprise from me the results were the same, and attack number two had subsided.  

The next attack resulted in a referral to a specialist to see what else could be done.  They were very hesitant to agree with my self diagnosis and wanted to rule out an ulcer.  Therefore, I was put on ulcer medication and sent home.  I was already post attack at this point so I can't say for sure whether the medicine helped or not.

I believe there was an attack or two that I let come and go without even going to the doctor out of sheer frustration.  However, the last attack occurred during a stomach flu last fall, and it was too terrible to ignore.  It resulted in a visit back to the specialist who said the next step was an endoscopy. Lo and behold my stomach was in great shape, and I was even given pictures to prove it.  They advised the next step was a Hidascan.  

Now you might say well why didn't you do the Hidascan then and not wait.  Well, shortly after the endoscopy was when I ended up in the hospital with my second DVT; therefore, more hospital bills were not high on my list, and of course we were way past the last attack at that point.  Amazing how different the priorities are based on whether currently having a gallbladder attack or post attack.  

So we get to this attack.  I rode it out for 10 days before finally giving in and making a doctors appointment.  He agreed that it had to be my gallbladder but felt no surgeon would talk to me without a Hidascan.  So today the test was performed, and within 2 hours of its completion my doctor called with the results.  My gallbladder is not working!!!

So finally we have the test results to support what I felt the answer was five years ago.  Surgery will be scheduled, and this series of attacks will end.  

I have felt at times that I was crazy and maybe I was making this up and wasn't in pain.  It feels good to know that I am not completely nuts.  

I feel the moral of this story is that when you know something doesn't feel right make sure you don't give up.  Sometimes you have to find the right doctor or the right test.  It is an awful feeling to know there is something wrong but nothing concrete to support it.  

It is important to allow your medical team to help guide you, but you must be an active participant. There were two times they wanted to do another ultrasound, and I demanded something different.  I refused to spend more money and come up empty handed once more.  

I am not excited about having surgery, but I am glad to finally have this resolved.  So don't give up, if you truly feel more needs to be looked at or tested.  It is your body, and you know it better than anyone.

Balancing Without Losing Myself

When I had my first blood clot 13 years ago it was a shock.  Sure I had read the birth control labels that you had a chance of clots and that smoking could increase that risk.  However, I never thought it could happen to me.  One of those things you file away and never comes to mind again.

In the months following my first clot I went through a lot of testing, and it was concluded that I did not have any genetic risk factors.  This clot seemed to logically be the result of birth control, smoking, being overweight and a long plane flight to Mexico without enough movement.  These things were easily eliminated or prevented in the future.  

Giving up smoking was tough at times and the thought of life without any hormones was rough; however, this all seemed very manageable.  I learned to get up and walk on flights and stop more frequently on car rides.  I was a bit slower to take care of the overweight/unhealthy part; however, over the years this became a very big part of my life.  

Many years later I found the only time my mind drifted to the clot was when my leg would swell and cause discomfort.  I never worried about another clot because the risk factors were eliminated or at least I truly believed they were.  

Fast forward to February 2016 and I am doing amazing. The fitness part of my life is right on track, I am eating well and things are just falling into place.  I am getting ready to sign up for my first mud run in a few years.  I am pumped up and just at the tail end of a burpee challenge.  

I wake up one morning to some abnormal swelling in my leg.  So here is where clot #2 enters my life. After a day of not really being concerned, the test confirms this is another clot and the present journey begins.  

I am currently six months post second clot.  We don't have much in the way of reasons for this one, except the previous clot and some borderline test results.  It is a bit frustrating not to have a concrete reason that I can just remove from my life.  I made the decision last week to remain on a preventative dose of the blood thinners.  This still does not sit well with me, but it appeared to be the most logical conclusion.  

Now begins the process of doing what I want but balancing the risks of another clot and side effects of this drug.  I love to travel, but I need to be more conscious of getting out on a regular basis.  I enjoy a few beers from time to time; however, I find that this can cause the leg to really be annoyed with me.  I love being physically active, hiking, doing race events, but I need to make sure I manage the risks of these things.  Here starts the balancing of risks and life.  I don't want to allow this medical condition to dictate my activities and enjoyment.  However, I must be aware of it in my decisions.

I want to continue doing what I want to do and pushing myself to explore areas outside of my comfort zone.  However, I will need to take more time to research and think through my next steps before I jump in.  This is just part of the balance to ensure enjoyment without too much unnecessary risk.

Throughout life we each face challenges of varying degrees.  Some are definitely more life changing than others and require a much tougher battle to fight.  However, each has to opportunity to change us or define us in a different way.  I want to remain focused in the face of these challenges and not get lost in them.