Even the Crappy Days End Alright

I had a feeling when I awoke at 3:30 with nausea and could not go back to sleep that it might be a rough day.  I tossed and turned for over an hour before finally falling back to sleep.  When the alarm went off I was not ready to spring out of bed and opted for coffee before a shower.  This was helpful and allowed me to be much nicer to those I encountered during that first hour of the day.

The remainder of the early morning moved along well.  However, not long after starting my day at work I was struck with a familiar yet terrible feeling.  My anxiety was shooting up and fast.

My whole body was tense, and I was finding it really hard to connect my thoughts. I was on the verge of a full panic attack.  It is hard to explain these situations to someone that has never had them.  The best I can explain how I feel when it happens is that I realize I am freaking out, and I know that there is usually no logical reason for it. However, there is absolutely nothing I can do to shut it down.  I have tried meditating and breathing and both were useless for it.  Luckily I have medicine for these, even though few and far between, and I quickly called Kent to bring it to me.

As the medicine started to kick in I could feel everything begin to settle and my neck, which had been completely tensed was beginning to release.  Because the medicine helped to calm everything I was able to make it through the day.

When I came home from work I struggled a little bit with whether to work out and do my yoga.  Since I was feeling almost back to normal I decided to get it done.  I did my body weight workout, which was
pretty tough.  There were a few times I wanted to just quit and use the excuse of a hard day.  However, pushing myself past those feelings actually seemed to help me process through the events of the day.

As we all settled into our rooms for the night I did my yoga, and it also pushed me quite a bit more than normal.  As I pushed through I realized at the end that I felt accomplished and more at peace.

As I wrap up my day I realize that although it had ups and downs today was beautiful.  It had some of the best and not so great.  However, in the end the big picture is still pretty darn amazing.  So I guess
my lesson for today is that when life throws me a curve ball I have to acknowledge it, work through it and then move beyond it.  Sometimes
the tougher moments are there to show us how fortunate we truly are in life.

Anxiety is a tough thing.  I suffer from it rarely, and feel for those who suffer regularly.  It is not something they can just smile out of, breath away or anything else. Please be gentle to those around you because we could all use more love and compassion.

I hope that you may find the sunshine at the end of the rain and the happy ending at the end of your not so great day.  May you still find reason at the end of each day to look back with gratitude for it all.

Nature: Get Lost to Find Youself

I don't remember spending a lot of my childhood hiking, but I did grow up on a beautiful piece of North Carolina land.  We had over an acre, and my time there was filled with adventures and friends surrounded by woods and creeks. Many of my childhood memories encompass that time in nature.

As I grew up I spent less time in those woods, but they obviously remained in my heart.  In my twenties I met a boy that loved nature, and he introduced me to camping, hiking and exploring new areas. I will forever be grateful to him for bringing nature back into my life.

The benefits of time surrounded by woods, wildlife and beautiful scenery have been life altering for me and my family.  Each time I watch videos of nature I am instantly calmed and filled with a sense of peace.  There is no question that my place of zen is found among the trees.

Regardless of what is going on in our lives everything changes when our feet hit the dirt and soon we are surrounded by nothing but nature.  The fights among the children cease and stress/worries melt away.  There is healing power out on the trails, and I am truly in love with it.

I have begun to read more and discovered more research about the benefits of time in nature.  It can help with depression, anxiety, stress and physical healing from surgery or illness.  It has been my source of therapy for years, and I don't plan to quit anytime soon.

I know that it might not be for everyone, but I can't say enough for the life changing impact it has had on my life.  We are amazingly fortunate to live in a place where the scenery is constantly calling you outdoors.  I long for the days I can wander in the woods.

One of my current quotes that speaks to me is, "Not all who wander are lost."  For my time wandering in nature is one of the times I feel most fulfilled and whole.  I am far from lost out on those trails but instead I have found my home.

Maybe your place is not on the trails, but my wish for you is for you to find that thing that brings your soul back home.  You will know it when you are there for all longing, stress and anxiety will be gone.  There you will find peace.

Namaste

Fear and Moving Forward

I started my journey to a happier/healthier me over 9 years ago.  There have been times when I was more confident in my success than others.  Some moments I feel unstoppable and that everything is in the right place.  Then there are times which I feel lost and fear that I will never get back on track.

Time has taught me to realize there will be places I veer off and times that I just won't have it all together.  The overall goal is to make those times short and never allow the fear or negativity creep into my thoughts.  The feeling of a failed attempt or fear that I won't remain focused on eating right and my healthy lifestyle does not help me move forward.  This will only hinder my progress.

Today I allowed my mind a moment to worry and think of possibilities it won't continue to feel this easy.  The last few weeks have felt great. I feel strong, confident and committed to both my workouts and my food goals.  I have begun to focus on my relationship with food to better understand it.  Since everything is going well, I am puzzled to feel such fear today.

I remember this as I first decided to take the step and join the weight loss contest at work 9 years ago. As the scale went down, my fitness level increased, and I become healthier, I feared losing it all.  Part of me was grateful for that feeling as it often kept me focused and on track.  However, with today's I am going to quiet it with the image of how far I have come and the many accomplishments completed and yet to be done.

The reality is that for me this will be a life long battle.  I need to remain conscious of my food choices and my activity level.  My relationship with food needs to stay in check, and an analysis of how I treat food in the presence of my children will be important.   I hope to allow them an opportunity to eat when they need nourishment and not as a reward, comfort or stress relief.

My focus will continue to be on how far I have come and taking it one thing at a time.  This might be one day, one meal or one hour at a time.  Whatever feels attainable.

Sometimes the battle looks to vast to be won, but upon taking it one small piece at a time victory is yours.

Hurts So Good!!

I started a new workout last week and it has lit a fire that feels so familiar.  It is one of those sneaky exercise regimens that looks easy when written down, and sometimes even when the workout is done. However, a day or two later something happens and I realize that workout really shook things up.

It is that moment when I wake up and something feels different than the night before.  I start to move but I am struck with the realization that my core muscles are so sore I am unable, under my own power, to sit up. Glancing at the end of the bed I am grateful to see the dog and I can use her weight on the blanket to pull myself upright.  But now I am met with an even scarier task. I must figure out if my leg muscles will allow me to stand.  I mentally scan the workout to figure out whether there were squats, lunges, etc.. Upon the realization there were a few dozen I hold my breath, prepare myself and stand.

To my surprise I find my legs feel alright.  That is until I take a step.  I feel a soreness and think what in the world used that muscle. I am not even sure I knew there was a muscle in that location.  

I hobble to the bathroom and realize there is a squat between me and the toilet.  I grit my teeth and just

sort of fall.  Ah, I made it!  But wait a minute I have to get back up.  

I begin to ask yourself irrational questions such as: could I stay here all day?  can I call my husband to help me stand up again? No, I have to get the kids up, shower, dress and go down.... Oh crap I have stairs in my house now!!!  What am I going to do???!!??  

Alright I will admit that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I have had those feelings at one time or another along this journey.  And to be honest I love the sore feeling that comes from a good workout.  It means something is changing and getting stronger. 

So let the fun continue as I head back in the right direction toward a healthier and stronger version of me.  And if you see me walking a little funny, it is OK to laugh but remember those new muscles will make me stronger and faster so it won't be as hard for me to catch you.  

Namaste!

Hope, Change and New Beginnings

Today our calendar shifted another year forward.  This causes one to  reflect on the last 365 days and look back at opportunities missed and goals unfinished.  A new year can provide a fresh start and new opportunities.  However, like any day on this journey, it is a chance to make a change, start a new challenge or goal.  It does not have to be the first day of a new year, new month or new week to begin work toward a better you.  If you want to make a change, do it now!

This journey has taught me that when a change is needed I can't put it off.  Too many times in the past I said to myself that I will start in a few days, next week or maybe even next month. Many times those milestones came and went without any action.  There were a few occasions that I would start with all good intentions and last a few days. weeks, etc and then hit a bump.  Here would enter the voices that get me in trouble.  They say well we messed up today or this week so we might as well wait till next week to start again.  For me this has been toxic.  I have learned that a bump can quickly turn into a 4 month detour if allowed more focus than necessary.  Therefore, I have tried to create a better mindset for when I veer slightly off course.

Accepting that slip ups will happen and sometimes they are much, much longer than I want to admit has been hard throughout this journey.  In the beginning, I beat myself up over them but found that of little use and left me less motivated to move forward.  I slowly started to learn to let them happen and pick right back up, even if sometimes it had been months of wandering.

Life is going to happen and to make a solid change you really have to be realistic in your expectations.  Making a change will be hard and life is not going to instantly become easier to allow you adjustment time to this new goal, way of eating, yoga practice, sleep pattern or whatever it is. There will be times you won't do it all right, but being mindful of the direction you want to head will always get you through.

Remember to create reminders of you intentions, tell others for both support and accountability and

don't be too hard on yourself or others.  We are all trying to figure out the best way to live our own lives and we could use some more love along the way.

Every day is a blank tapestry.  There will be some where we paint a beautiful masterpiece and at the end of the day we have such satisfaction with all that was done. However, other days will leave

us a mess and appear more like a splatter painting.  Each one will hold amazing beauty of their very own and contribute in such amazing ways toward the much larger work.

I wish you luck in all your endeavors and a happy new year.  Might each day hold the same opportunity to start fresh, refocus and renew that you feel on this first day of each year.  

Stress and sweet success!

This has been a rough week, and I had a very rough night.  I was consumed with difficult feelings and felt lots of stress.  These are dangerous times for my journey to health because I have a really terrible relationship with food.

As long as I can remember I have reached for food to relieve stress, comfort me when I feel discouraged or lift my spirits when I was sad.  It is embarrassing to admit that I have this relationship with food, but it is so true and has been a contributing factor to my weight issues throughout my life.  It is something that weighs on my mind when I think about celebrating with my kids by going out to dinner or getting ice cream.  I worry that I might be teaching them similar habits.

However, in this situation when both stress and sadness hit I turned to friends instead of food.  It was

hard at first but a lot of relief was found in telling them the struggle I was facing and getting their support.  Even a few laughs were shared, and I felt stronger.  I am truly blessed to have people in my life I can turn to when things seem to close in around me.  Whether it is to share all the details with the realization that they won't judge me, but that they will love me through it or just to help me feel accountable to myself not to eat my feelings.  They all help in such wonderful ways, and I am so very grateful.  

So even after a difficult night, I am proud to report that there is Christmas candy in my house and the packages are still sealed.

Here we are again...

It has been a rough year, and the medical issues have taken a toll on my body.  I know there could have been more proactive measures taken to not let it get this far out of control.  I could have taken only the necessary breaks and not extended ones.  Certainly keeping my eating in check while i was unable to be physically active would have helped.  Regardless of all that, this is where I start over.

Instead of beating myself up for all the weight gain, muscle lost and conditioning that will need to be restored, I am going to celebrate that I have returned to this place. There were times I feared all was lost but a little voice in my head continued to remind me of that active life I loved, those times in the gym that made me feel invincible and the workouts that were rough but ended with such sweet success. I might have strayed far, but something inside me knew to keep adding little reminders so I might return here.

Of course the little voice alone did not conquer this major veer off course.  I must give credit to my

guides, who without, I might not have returned so soon.  The are friends that are determined to return to their journey.  It was their invitation to join them, which I was VERY reluctant to accept, that really kicked it all back into gear.  There is something about having others to talk/share with and give/receive support from that makes this seem easier to tackle.

As I wrap up day four of this newest turn back in the right direction, I feel strong, determined and powerful.  I can't say that I will always make the right decisions when it comes to food and being active because I have learned that I will slip and fall from time to time.  However, the right friends and that little voice that doesn't quit will help me find my way back here each time I stray.

So here is to strength, determination and darn good friends.  Please let them all three stick with me in the coming months as I turn this ship around and head back to being healthier and fitter.